Monday, August 24, 2015

First Day of School

Today was the first day of school for me....

and at 4:00 I got the sweetest text from Dakota asking me how my first day was!

How sweet was that?!?!

Of course I started crying!

Tomorrow I'm starting I project with my Senior class called the Soundtrack of Your Life. I'm going to ask them to think of 8 major life events. Then they will choose songs to correspond to those events and of course eventually write about them. I generally try to do any assignment I ask my students to do, so today I began my list of major life events. They are:

1.  Graduating High School
2.  Accident
3.  Mom Dying
4. Getting Married
5.  1st Baby - Dakota
6.  Losing Rayin
7.  Moving to Texas
8.  Dakota College

Now I'm working on the music! But as I was thinking about all of these events, it occurred to me how no one is ready for anything until it happens. No one is prepared.  Darrin and I are in unfamiliar territory right now, but we were on #s4-8! We are learning to tread water, paddle, swim, whatever you want to call it right now! Again. Just a different event!

I'm not particularly sure how well I'm doing at it this go around, but we are still "above water" for now! (knock on wood!)

Dakota not only texted me, but he texted his little brother Kye who started middle school today, to see how his day was too!  THAT IS A GOOD BIG BROTHER!

We are so proud of our oldest!

We miss him like crazy!

We are so excited for this season of his life to begin!

But we miss him like crazy and are trying to figure out how our daily life here works without him a part of it daily!

Wednesday, August 19, 2015

The First of Many Stabs in the Heart

Dakota's leaving for college and my going back to work all happened at the same time. So I have not had time to write about anything that all of that entails, which is a TON, but tonight I experienced a first! A stab in my heart.

My boy, who is "far" away is hurting and I can't do anything about it!

It is TEARING me up!

Thankfully we can text and I can tell him that I love him, believe in him, that I'm proud of him, but I am not there to hug him, love him, give him a smile.

I know him!

I know he is all in his head!

I know he is going to let this affect his whole college experience if he doesn't get a grip!

I'm praying that he can shake off a hard, difficult, day of collegiate level of practice!

That he can believe that he can play at this level!

That even though he had pneumonia this summer so was unable to reach the level of cardio that was expected of him that he will be able to play!

As a mama, I'm a mess!!!

How am I supposed to work this year?

How I am to remain focused?

I am so scattered!


Emotional! - Well more emotional!

My stomach is in knots tonight because my boy is hurting and there is nothing I can do!

Tuesday, August 4, 2015

In a Nutshell

Dakota went and got his haircut today.  I took him somewhere nice, paid a little more, but it shows!

He went to a new stylist. It was a guy.

On the way home, Dakota told me that he liked him and really liked the cut. "He talked about his feelings."

"What do you mean?" I asked.

The stylist talked about how he felt about the Supreme Court ruling last month and more. He told Dakota about when he was 11, he went to a church and the pastor there was talking about how bi-racial marriage was wrong and in his mind, being from a bi-racial family, he took that to mean that he was wrong and he never went back to church and told Dakota, "I hate them all and have never been back."

When Dakota told me this and the more that I thought about it,

THAT sums up what is Wrong with Christianity.

You see...

Jesus did not make people feel wrong or like crap. He did NOT make people feel remorseful or guilty.

HE LOVED THEM! HE LOVED THE SINNER (which we ALL are btw)!!!

That's what the majority of "Christian" people can't do today.

They do not love the sinner!

THEY HATE THE SIN and they can't get passed it!

Instead of loving people and all of the sticky stuff that comes with said people...

we'll judge,

be proud,

not show compassion...

they do not LOVE!

And what is even worse, they will say they are doing things out of love. They probably actually believe it.

"We must save them from themselves!" How wrong this is. This is NOT what Jesus did!!! He loved people where they were at, in the mess they were in, how they were!!!!

Such a shame that "Christians" can not be more Christ like!

Friday, July 31, 2015

Unfamiliar Territory

I haven't written on this blog in forever! Over a year!

There have been multiple times that I have wanted to, but just never followed through and set time aside to do it!

I have a feeling that I may start writing more often as my world will be changing in a major way in 2 weeks, 16 days to be exact!

I am in unfamiliar territory.

A newbie at where I find myself in this thing called life.

My eldest is leaving for college in 16 days.

I have been processing this concept this entire past year as we celebrated lasts at home and at school.

I have been emotional at times...more often than not.

But now as the days wind down I AM emotional, but also kind of lost.

I am trying to recall my last few days at home before I left for college, but seriously, that was over 20 years ago and I can't, much to my chagrin!!!!

I know that my mom would remember and I wish so bad that I could talk to her about it.

Did I distance myself from the family?
Did I act different?
Did I treat my family indifferent?
and much more!

I wanted these last few weeks to be happy and celebratory and to do the things that he liked and would miss. Cook food that he would miss, go places that he would miss, etc...

MUCH if not all of that is NOT happening!

Is that important?
What really matters?

How do I get through this season without going into a deep depression?

I AM so excited for Dakota's year ahead for him, the experiences that he will have, how he will grow, the places that he will travel to with his college team, people he will meet.

It has been enlightening to me how nature and the natural progression of things prepares us for this separation!  I remember it started with:

him pulling out of the driveway for the first time by himself...


working and being out late...


With each new moment I have had to pull away,
give up control,
give up knowing where he is and who he is with all the time.

I know that I am prepared.
I know that I will be sad.
I know that this is the next step/stage of life.

But I wish I could talk to my mom because she knew me better than anyone and would know exactly how I feel...a mom...losing her son.