First Day of School

Today was the first day of school for me....

and at 4:00 I got the sweetest text from Dakota asking me how my first day was!

How sweet was that?!?!

Of course I started crying!

Tomorrow I'm starting I project with my Senior class called the Soundtrack of Your Life. I'm going to ask them to think of 8 major life events. Then they will choose songs to correspond to those events and of course eventually write about them. I generally try to do any assignment I ask my students to do, so today I began my list of major life events. They are:

1.  Graduating High School
2.  Accident
3.  Mom Dying
4. Getting Married
5.  1st Baby - Dakota
6.  Losing Rayin
7.  Moving to Texas
8.  Dakota College

Now I'm working on the music! But as I was thinking about all of these events, it occurred to me how no one is ready for anything until it happens. No one is prepared.  Darrin and I are in unfamiliar territory right now, but we were on #s4-8! We are learning to tread water, paddle, swim, whatever you want to call it right now! Again. Just a different event!

I'm not particularly sure how well I'm doing at it this go around, but we are still "above water" for now! (knock on wood!)

Dakota not only texted me, but he texted his little brother Kye who started middle school today, to see how his day was too!  THAT IS A GOOD BIG BROTHER!

We are so proud of our oldest!

We miss him like crazy!

We are so excited for this season of his life to begin!

But we miss him like crazy and are trying to figure out how our daily life here works without him a part of it daily!

The First of Many Stabs in the Heart

Dakota's leaving for college and my going back to work all happened at the same time. So I have not had time to write about anything that all of that entails, which is a TON, but tonight I experienced a first! A stab in my heart.

My boy, who is "far" away is hurting and I can't do anything about it!

It is TEARING me up!

Thankfully we can text and I can tell him that I love him, believe in him, that I'm proud of him, but I am not there to hug him, love him, give him a smile.

I know him!

I know he is all in his head!

I know he is going to let this affect his whole college experience if he doesn't get a grip!

I'm praying that he can shake off a hard, difficult, day of collegiate level of practice!

That he can believe that he can play at this level!

That even though he had pneumonia this summer so was unable to reach the level of cardio that was expected of him that he will be able to play!


As a mama, I'm a mess!!!

How am I supposed to work this year?

How I am to remain focused?

I am so scattered!

Forgetful!

Emotional! - Well more emotional!

My stomach is in knots tonight because my boy is hurting and there is nothing I can do!

In a Nutshell

Dakota went and got his haircut today.  I took him somewhere nice, paid a little more, but it shows!

He went to a new stylist. It was a guy.

On the way home, Dakota told me that he liked him and really liked the cut. "He talked about his feelings."

"What do you mean?" I asked.

The stylist talked about how he felt about the Supreme Court ruling last month and more. He told Dakota about when he was 11, he went to a church and the pastor there was talking about how bi-racial marriage was wrong and in his mind, being from a bi-racial family, he took that to mean that he was wrong and he never went back to church and told Dakota, "I hate them all and have never been back."

When Dakota told me this and the more that I thought about it,

THAT sums up what is Wrong with Christianity.

You see...

Jesus did not make people feel wrong or like crap. He did NOT make people feel remorseful or guilty.

HE LOVED THEM! HE LOVED THE SINNER (which we ALL are btw)!!!

That's what the majority of "Christian" people can't do today.

They do not love the sinner!

THEY HATE THE SIN and they can't get passed it!

Instead of loving people and all of the sticky stuff that comes with said people...

we'll judge,

be proud,

not show compassion...

they do not LOVE!

And what is even worse, they will say they are doing things out of love. They probably actually believe it.

"We must save them from themselves!" How wrong this is. This is NOT what Jesus did!!! He loved people where they were at, in the mess they were in, how they were!!!!

Such a shame that "Christians" can not be more Christ like!

Unfamiliar Territory

I haven't written on this blog in forever! Over a year!

There have been multiple times that I have wanted to, but just never followed through and set time aside to do it!

I have a feeling that I may start writing more often as my world will be changing in a major way in 2 weeks, 16 days to be exact!

I am in unfamiliar territory.

A newbie at where I find myself in this thing called life.

My eldest is leaving for college in 16 days.

I have been processing this concept this entire past year as we celebrated lasts at home and at school.

I have been emotional at times...more often than not.

But now as the days wind down I AM emotional, but also kind of lost.

I am trying to recall my last few days at home before I left for college, but seriously, that was over 20 years ago and I can't, much to my chagrin!!!!

I know that my mom would remember and I wish so bad that I could talk to her about it.

Did I distance myself from the family?
Did I act different?
Did I treat my family indifferent?
and much more!

I wanted these last few weeks to be happy and celebratory and to do the things that he liked and would miss. Cook food that he would miss, go places that he would miss, etc...

MUCH if not all of that is NOT happening!

Is that important?
What really matters?

How do I get through this season without going into a deep depression?

I AM so excited for Dakota's year ahead for him, the experiences that he will have, how he will grow, the places that he will travel to with his college team, people he will meet.

It has been enlightening to me how nature and the natural progression of things prepares us for this separation!  I remember it started with:

him pulling out of the driveway for the first time by himself...

then...

working and being out late...

dating...

With each new moment I have had to pull away,
give up control,
give up knowing where he is and who he is with all the time.

I know that I am prepared.
I know that I will be sad.
I know that this is the next step/stage of life.

But I wish I could talk to my mom because she knew me better than anyone and would know exactly how I feel...a mom...losing her son.

Wonder what she thought???

Today my breath was taken away...
not in a good way mind you,
but in a frightening,
scary,
fearful way.

2 years ago, I had an irregular mammogram.

I had to go in a 2nd time and they did a more diagnostic test and an ultrasound.

Everything came out ok, but still.

I didn't go back last year.

But it was time again.
At my annual exam, my doctor said that he felt something and he wanted to make sure that at the mammogram to really look at it.

Right then, I was like "ok."

But today at the actual long, uncomfortable test, I was more like, "not ok."

As I lay on the ultrasound table, I wondered about my mom.
I wondered if she had been aware of what was going on right before her life changed forever.
I wondered if she had been scared at her appointment.
I wondered if she had known how much her life and her children's lives were about to change.

You see I have a theory... (I'm quite certain that I hold to this in some futile attempt to "control" my life!)

When you are quite aware of the moment, of what is happening, of how things could change in an instant... that is when it will not change.

It is when you are not aware of how things could change in a flash, that things actually change in a flash.

So as I lay there, I thought to myself...
"Will I see Dakota graduate next year?"
"Is this the moment that the doctor comes in to tell me that I have breast cancer?"
"Has the day come that I have dreaded would come for years?"

I almost totally lost it.
I teared up.

BUT

the doctor came in and said,
"nothing looks abnormal."

Really???

I know it sounds bad, really I am thankful for the thoroughness, and caution...

BUT SERIOUSLY!!!!

My nerves are shot!
Twice in a row, is a bit much!
I'm wondering if this will turn into a yearly event???

I hope not!

Darrin had driven over.
I didn't know he was going to.
I only saw him after I was done.

He knows me so well.
Knew that I needed him, but of course I didn't ask for him to be there.
But he knew.
And he was there.
He didn't make a big deal of it.
But he was there.

I HATE that this will always be a part of my life.
Even though I had the genetics test and it says that I don't have the breast cancer gene,
this will always be a part of my life.

So tonight,
I'm thankful.
Emotional exhausted.
I'm grateful.
I'm tired.

I HATE Death!

My granma died today. 

This is me with her in August.

We hoped she would hang on until Thanksgiving,

but we knew it was doubtful.

Granma was the last matriarch in my family.

Being that mom died when I was 19....

My Granma Hagen died 11 years ago...

Granma Furne was it.

I am thankful that I have many aunts still...

but "my" blood matriarchs are gone.

I am thankful that she is no longer in pain.

But, selfishly, Thanksgiving will never be the same.

Playing Ah Heck, Hearts or any card game won't be the same.

Being in Iowa, won't be the same.

This woman that I loved dearly, 

held my Iowa (dad's side) family together.

With her stubbornness, love, devotion to her family,

and always being there for her family, she loved us

like no one else can!

Granma,

You were so special to me and I miss you terribly already!

I love you!

"Friends"

It has been an interesting few days.  

I was under the impression that when I signed up for social media cites, that I could say whatever I want to. I could add photos, say my opinion, if I chose, complain everyday...if I wanted to.

I still believe this, but over the last several days, people, have tried to take that right away from me. At first I was pissed.  I retorted to a few comments, others I was flabbergasted over and have said nothing.

Sharing the scenario with several family members and friends, they too could not believe what had occurred. I'm still trying to decide how to respond, but in the meantime, I deactivated several of my social media cites and on others began blocking and unfollowing people.  On Facebook for instance I had 760+ friends.  

What???

Who really has that many friends and who has time to keep up with all of their junk. How can you say that you are friends? As I went through all 760 so "friends" I often said..."Who is this?" or "I haven't seen or spoken to this person in "x" years!" Why do I have so many on here?  I began unfriending people and got down to 87!!!! And then I deactivated it.

I need a break from social media!

But why those 87?

I thought about who are my friends? Who knows me, not even all of those 87, so before I reactivate my account I will unfriend probably at least 25 more.  Granted I left the majority of my family, and I have contacts for teaching, the theatre, etc... 

But how many know me?

How many won't judge my posts?

How many would know if I put up a picture that looked like I was doing a line of "coke" would know it was a joke?

How many offer comfort and support rather than judgmental and discouragement?

If I was honest only about 10. 15 at most!

How many do I really want to know about?  Keep up with their kiddos and what they are up too?

Probably about 10...or 15 at most!

What really qualifies someone as a friend? The dictionary says this...

friend  

/frend/

Noun

1. A person whom one knows, likes, and trusts.

2. A person whom one knows; an acquaintance.

3. A person with whom one is allied in a struggle or cause; a comrade.

4. One who supports, sympathizes with, or patronizes a group, cause, or movement

On a whole I would say that those 760+ people were some form of an acquaintance. But there were some that I seriously did not know!

If someone is really my friend they know me, supports me.

No where in that definition do I see anything about judging or condemning!  No where do I see that it says that in order to be a friend I have to live up to the other persons expectations. That if for some reason I do something or say something that I don't like I'm no longer their friend.

That is exactly what I have experienced this past week!!!

How old am I? . . . . . . . . . . . 16?????

NO, I'm 40!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm sorry if I don't do or say what you would like me to!
I'm sorry if how you thought I was I do something that contradicts that!

But I am free to be me!
I can do whatever I would like to do!
I do not have to answer to anyone but my God!

I do not answer to any human, rather they claim to be a friend or not!

I lived the majority of my life living for other people. Over half of my life I was worried what people would think or who they would tell or what they would say.  That my actions would jeopardize my job, my status, my character.

Jesus freed me of that too long ago!!! Thank you Jesus! 

So...
I guess I apologize if I offend you.
I guess I apologize if I upset you.
I guess I apologize if I give you cause to worry about me.

But really?

No I DON'T!

I am who I am!

If that does any of the above mentioned scenarios...

That's your problem!

Not mine!