First Day of School

Today was the first day of school for me....

and at 4:00 I got the sweetest text from Dakota asking me how my first day was!

How sweet was that?!?!

Of course I started crying!

Tomorrow I'm starting I project with my Senior class called the Soundtrack of Your Life. I'm going to ask them to think of 8 major life events. Then they will choose songs to correspond to those events and of course eventually write about them. I generally try to do any assignment I ask my students to do, so today I began my list of major life events. They are:

1.  Graduating High School
2.  Accident
3.  Mom Dying
4. Getting Married
5.  1st Baby - Dakota
6.  Losing Rayin
7.  Moving to Texas
8.  Dakota College

Now I'm working on the music! But as I was thinking about all of these events, it occurred to me how no one is ready for anything until it happens. No one is prepared.  Darrin and I are in unfamiliar territory right now, but we were on #s4-8! We are learning to tread water, paddle, swim, whatever you want to call it right now! Again. Just a different event!

I'm not particularly sure how well I'm doing at it this go around, but we are still "above water" for now! (knock on wood!)

Dakota not only texted me, but he texted his little brother Kye who started middle school today, to see how his day was too!  THAT IS A GOOD BIG BROTHER!

We are so proud of our oldest!

We miss him like crazy!

We are so excited for this season of his life to begin!

But we miss him like crazy and are trying to figure out how our daily life here works without him a part of it daily!

Unfamiliar Territory

I haven't written on this blog in forever! Over a year!

There have been multiple times that I have wanted to, but just never followed through and set time aside to do it!

I have a feeling that I may start writing more often as my world will be changing in a major way in 2 weeks, 16 days to be exact!

I am in unfamiliar territory.

A newbie at where I find myself in this thing called life.

My eldest is leaving for college in 16 days.

I have been processing this concept this entire past year as we celebrated lasts at home and at school.

I have been emotional at times...more often than not.

But now as the days wind down I AM emotional, but also kind of lost.

I am trying to recall my last few days at home before I left for college, but seriously, that was over 20 years ago and I can't, much to my chagrin!!!!

I know that my mom would remember and I wish so bad that I could talk to her about it.

Did I distance myself from the family?
Did I act different?
Did I treat my family indifferent?
and much more!

I wanted these last few weeks to be happy and celebratory and to do the things that he liked and would miss. Cook food that he would miss, go places that he would miss, etc...

MUCH if not all of that is NOT happening!

Is that important?
What really matters?

How do I get through this season without going into a deep depression?

I AM so excited for Dakota's year ahead for him, the experiences that he will have, how he will grow, the places that he will travel to with his college team, people he will meet.

It has been enlightening to me how nature and the natural progression of things prepares us for this separation!  I remember it started with:

him pulling out of the driveway for the first time by himself...

then...

working and being out late...

dating...

With each new moment I have had to pull away,
give up control,
give up knowing where he is and who he is with all the time.

I know that I am prepared.
I know that I will be sad.
I know that this is the next step/stage of life.

But I wish I could talk to my mom because she knew me better than anyone and would know exactly how I feel...a mom...losing her son.

Teachings from Beth Moore!

Wouldn't you know that Beth Moore would go to Lincoln when I didn't live there anymore! But oh well! I did know several of my friends went and I'm sure that they were so blessed. But for those of us who didn't get to go, here are some notes from her teaching that weekend, that I borrowed from here.

Beth Moore's lesson at Living Proof Live in Lincoln came out of a word study on "better." After looking at every instance of the word "better" in Scripture, Beth noticed a pattern that framed her message:

There is a "better" that is "bitter." And there is a "better" that is "better."

If you're like me, you've probably never thought of it that way. I tend to think that better is better is better is better. But Beth pointed out four different ways that better is actually bitter, then contrasted those points with five ways that better is better.

Stay with me. It gets really good.

I'm going to share all four "better is bitter" points today - and then I'm going to come back in a few days and elaborate on point number two. Because point number two? It read my mail.

1. Better is bitter when better is before (Exodus 14:12, Numbers 11:14, Numbers 14:3-4). This mentality creeps in when we decide that our best days are behind us. We think that job was better. Or that man was better. Or that time was better. We can't go forward because we keep looking back over our shoulders. Beth illustrated this point by examining the Israelites in Exodus 14: "it would have been better for us to serve the Egyptians than to die in the wilderness" (verse 12). If we're not careful, we stay trapped in the mentality of the past, failing to recognize that God has delivered us to a far better place.

2. Better is bitter when better is someone besides me (Esther 1:19, Galatians 5:25-26). We're going to constantly run into people who are better at whatever it is that we want to be good at, and we're threatened by that. We decide that so-and-so is better at parenting / parallel parking / leading Bible study / cooking / life-in-general, and bitterness takes root. It's like I heard Melanie say one time: we look at the blessings in another person's life and decide that it somehow takes away from what God is going to do in our lives. Beth used Philippians 2:7 to show that we need to empty ourselves of our vain conceit because it is EMPTY GLORY.

(I've got loads more to tell y'all about this point, so stay tuned.)

3. Better is bitter when better is the route I didn't take (Ecclesiastes, 1 Kings 19, Jonah). Some of us are living in constant regret, and our woe is me attitudes are killing us. Beth used the examples of Solomon, Elijah and Jonah to show how those regrets can affect us if we're not mindful to squelch them. Just because there have been disappointments in your life, you are not better off dead (see Jonah 4:8). Beth mentioned that if you really were better off dead, God would have already taken you home!

4. Better is bitter when better is what you should have known (Romans 7:24-8:3, Hebrews 12:18-24, 2 Corinthians 7:10). Sometimes we go one step further with regret (point #3) and move into "I should have known better, but..." or "I DID know better, but...." Beth spent a lot of time on this point, and the bottom line is that WE'VE GOT TO MOVE ON. We can't self-loathe for the rest of our lives. To be in the trap of "I knew better" is a body of death to us. At some point we have to decide if we're going to stand in front of Mt. Sinai or Mt. Zion. If there's a place in your life where you should have known better or did know better, God knows that you regret it. He knows. So let's move on from that thing. Psalm 30:5 says "For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime," but we live like the the opposite is true. We're standing in front of Mt. Sinai when we need to move it on over to Mt. Zion.

Don't you wish you had been there??? I do! But looking forward to Beth's Living Proof Live in September!!!

Things that Make You Stop and Think

Yesterday, I had a bizarre and surreal experience. I went in for my annual mammogram on Tuesday. It had been 2 years since my last, but they always had been fine. As I left, the tech said, "the doctor will look at these this afternoon and if he sees anything that looks suspicious we'll call, if not we'll send a letter."

At 4:50 on Tuesday evening they called. I didn't get the message until later, but they said to call in the morning. So yesterday morning I called and they said that there was a spot on the left side that the doctor wanted to get some more pictures of and an ultrasound. I scheduled the appointment and went in yesterday at 3:00.

Needless to say I didn't sleep very well Tuesday night and yesterday tried not to think about it.

I am great at denial and pretending that I'm fine and that I wasn't thinking about it. But the truth is I was thinking about it even as I pretended I wasn't! Oy! I realized I had been stressed about it because after 3:00 and after I found out everything was fine, I was exhausted! I hadn't done much the entire day, but the let down or the relief of things being ok, I realized I had been very tense.

Thankfully what they thought was a mass from the mammogram did NOT show up on the more detailed pictures and the ultrasound. As my dad said, "Hallelujah!"

But having this scenario come up in front of me, it made me stop and think....

"What will I do?"

"How will I handle treatment?"

"How did mom deal with this as her children were still 'young'?"

"What had she really gone through?"

"Will it kill me like it did mom?"

"How did mom take the news as she sat across the table from the doctor?"

If truth be told, every birthday that I have I get closer to the age she was when she was first diagnosed and eventually 18 months later died. Mom was 43 when it all began for her and 18 months later at 45 she died. I turn 39 in February. I feel it more every year. Not necessarily fear, but just a sense of where she was in her life when it changed so dramatically and forever!

I'm thankful that as of right now I'm ok! I still wonder if that is going to be something that becomes part of my story, but I guess we'll cross that bridge if we have to and it isn't right now, thank you Jesus!

11 This Past Weekend

Rayin Wynter Ann Stephens

This past weekend, my daughter, Rayin, would have been 11.

It's hard for me to imagine an 11 year old daughter, seeing as I

have 3 boys, only 1 who has been 11.

I'd like to think that we would have gone and gotten

manis and pedis and maybe a coffee too! Went to

the mall and bought a new outfit plus accessories too!

Actually, I have no idea. Sometimes I think of it more than others.

This year was better than some, but of course I still thought of her.

It's funny....I think I'm the only one.

Well maybe funny isn't the right word.

Sad I guess.

Many people don't even know that

I should have a daughter.

It's really not a conversation piece that is brought up much

and definitely a downer to bring up.

I have grown much in these 11 years, but I still have

no answers!

Sometimes I believe that that is the hardest part of

Rayin's death...not knowing why.

But I don't dwell on this

or else I would go crazy!

Instead, I choose to believe and know that

God is good

God is love

He knows more than I do

He loves me

she is in a much better place

and I will see her again one day.

Until then, I want to remember her and

wonder what it would be like to have

an 11 year old daughter,

even if I'm the only one!

18 Years!

18 years ago this summer, there were two major life changing events that happened to me! I was 19 and so not ready for either event. These life altering events have been thrust into my face this week! I have not enjoyed looking at them head-on, I much rather like to ignore and deny.

But for what ever reason, this year I have been forced to remember the junk of the summer of '92. During the second week of school, my bridge in my mouth broke, again. I have been living with a broken bridge for about 8 years, but because of cost, I haven't fixed it. It was a side tooth and I became very good at hiding it with my tongue or lip. But this August, the 2 front teeth of my bridge broke off. This was different!!! I instantly had a lisp, no lip or tongue could hide this break. Needless to say, I freaked out! Not because I'm that vain, but because anytime something happens with my mouth, I'm transported back to the summer of '92 and the junk that remains there.

The summer between my freshmen and sophomore year in college, I went to a summer camp in Missouri to work as a counselor. Never having worked at summer camp before I was excited and my best friend, Mary, was going too! My mother was very sick though and I almost decided to stay home. But being the kind of mom she was, she told me that she wanted me to have a normal summer and that I should go. As soon as I got to camp I had a discussion with God and I told Him that if Mom died while I was gone, I would NEVER be able to live with myself if I wasn't there when that happened.

The first week was training and the second week was blind camp. Because of the extra needs, not every counselor had campers. Mary had campers and I didn't. During rest period one day, a bunch of workers were down on the lake skiing and having a break. Mary and I were spotting in the boat as others were skiing.

Robert wanted to try to slalom ski. As his knee broke water, he fell and the 75 foot ski rope came flying back at the boat. I remember everything turned into a slo-mo movie and I saw the rope coming towards me, but I couldn't move. The handle of the rope hit me in my mouth. Really unaware of what exactly happened, I turned to look at Mary and knew by the expression on her face that it wasn't good. All I felt was warmth and then began to taste blood. I leaned over the boat and saw 2 teeth fall into the water as well as fish swimming around eating my blood.

To make a long story short, I was taken to the local ER, but they sent me to Jefferson City to a larger hospital where I had surgery to repair my broken pallet. The handle had pushed my top pallet behind and lower than my bottom teeth. So the doctors rebuilt my pallet and stitched up where 3 teeth were missing. Thus began this long road of mouth issues with me!!!

Yesterday, my bridge was cut and for the first time in 18 years, I'm toothless again. I HATE seeing myself like this. I can't begin to describe what comes back into my mind! Because I have no gum and no teeth, my lip sinks in terribly. I have a temporary thing that I wear, but I can't eat with it or sleep with it, so I'm forced to feel and see it again. I thought I was ok with it, but deep down was again just denying and ignoring.

Really I am fine! I know that my accident was God's will. I know it 100%. After my stay in the hospital, my dad came down to Missouri and picked me up and I went home. 2 weeks later my mom died. I was home! God heard me and knew I wouldn't have been able to live with myself had I not been there, and I was! He made sure that I was home when she died. And the injury could have been so much worse. I could have lost an eye, I could have been killed if it had hit my nose, I could have been disfigured in a more visible way. I know all of this and believe it!

But I have to be honest....I'm so sick of my mouth crap! I'm tired of still 18 years later having to deal with it! I want it over! Unfortunately, the only way for this to never be an issue for me again cost around $35,000-$50,000. So, I continue to deal with it! I'm hoping that what we are doing now will last at least 5 years and I'm hoping that I will have it by July, but not holding me breath! It will come in when it's supposed to!

I haven't missed seeing this holey smile. I haven't missed feeling the weirdness in my mouth. But I must remember that this must too be a part of God's will and plan. He did provide funding for this latest part of this long journey, which I'm so thankful for! And I must remember it could be much worse! I must remember that He IS faithful!!!

As far as the 2nd event of that summer, my mom's death, I will address that at a later time.

Things to Ponder!

This email appeared in my inbox this evening and I thought it was super good! What do you think? I Only hope we find GOD again before it is too late ! ! The following was written by Ben Stein and recited by him on CBS Sunday Morning Commentary. My confession: I am a Jew, and every single one of my ancestors was Jewish. And it does not bother me even a little bit when people call those beautiful lit up, bejeweled trees, Christmas trees. I don't feel threatened. I don't feel discriminated against.. That's what they are, Christmas trees. It doesn't bother me a bit when people say, 'Merry Christmas' to me. I don't think they are slighting me or getting ready to put me in a ghetto. In fact, I kind of like it. It shows that we are all brothers and sisters celebrating this happy time of year. It doesn't bother me at all that there is a manger scene on display at a key intersection near my beach house in Malibu . If people want a creche, it's just as fine with me as is the Menorah a few hundred yards away. I don't like getting pushed around for being a Jew, and I don't think Christians like getting pushed around for being Christians. I think people who believe in God are sick and tired of getting pushed around, period. I have no idea where the concept came from, that America is an explicitly atheist country. I can't find it in the Constitution and I don't like it being shoved down my throat. Or maybe I can put it another way: where did the idea come from that we should worship celebrities and we aren't allowed to worship God as we understand Him? I guess that's a sign that I'm getting old, too. But there are a lot of us who are wondering where these celebrities came from and where the America we knew went to. In light of the many jokes we send to one another for a laugh, this is a little different: This is not intended to be a joke; it's not funny, it's intended to get you thinking. Billy Graham's daughter was interviewed on the Early Show and Jane Clayson asked her 'How could God let something like this happen?' (regarding Hurricane Katrina).. Anne Graham gave an extremely profound and insightful response. She said, 'I believe God is deeply saddened by this, just as we are, but for years we've been telling God to get out of our schools, to get out of our government and to get out of our lives. And being the gentleman He is, I believe He has calmly backed out How can we expect God to give us His blessing and His protection if we demand He leave us alone?' In light of recent events... terrorists attack, school shootings, etc. I think it started when Madeleine Murray O'Hare (she was murdered, her body found a few years ago) complained she didn't want prayer in our schools, and we said OK. Then someone said you better not read the Bible in school. The Bible says thou shalt not kill; thou shalt not steal, and love your neighbor as yourself. And we said OK. Then Dr. Benjamin Spock said we shouldn't spank our children when they misbehave, because their little personalities would be warped and we might damage their self-esteem (Dr. Spock's son committed suicide). We said an expert should know what he's talking about. And we said okay. Now we're asking ourselves why our children have no conscience, why they don't know right from wrong, and why it doesn't bother them to kill strangers, their classmates, and themselves. Probably, if we think about it long and hard enough, we can figure it out. I think it has a great deal to do with 'WE REAP WHAT WE SOW..' Funny how simple it is for people to trash God and then wonder why the world's going to hell. Funny how we believe what the newspapers say, but question what the Bible says. Funny how you can send 'jokes' through e-mail and they spread like wildfire, but when you start sending messages regarding the Lord, people think twice about sharing. Funny how lewd, crude, vulgar and obscene articles pass freely through cyberspace, but public discussion of God is suppressed in the school and workplace. Are you laughing yet? Funny how when you forward this message, you will not send it to many on your address list because you're not sure what they believe, or what they will think of you for sending it. Funny how we can be more worried about what other people think of us than what God thinks of us. Pass it on if you think it has merit. If not, then just discard it... no one will know you did. But, if you discard this thought process, don't sit back and complain about what bad shape the world is in. My Best Regards, Honestly and respectfully, Ben Stein

What a Wonderful Wednesday!

Wednesday was the first day of my women's fall Bible study.

I love the beginning of a study.

My book smells new...

I have my new pen, new hi-lighter, and felt-tipped pen ready for action.

I meet new friends and see old friends that I haven't seen since spring.

I anticipate all that God is going to teach me through the new study.

I tear-up as I open in prayer, because I KNOW that God is going to show up!

He's going to grow me

stretch me,

retrain me,

change me!

HALLELUJAH!!!

Bring it on!!!

In 1 hour's time...

I learn something new!

I hear something old that becomes afresh!

I look forward to this week's homework.

I look forward to meeting Christ on the pages of this study.

Of seeing what His Word has to say about my heart

and what it mean's to make it a dwelling place for HIM!

Wednesday afternoons are precious to me.

Sacred.

A MUST!

Thank You, Jesus for speaking through Your Word and through Bible study teachers.

Help me to be obedient to what it is that You will call me to this semester!

I love You!

Can You be Content without being Happy???

Somethin' I was mullin' over in the shower at 5:30 this morning.

What do you think?

Are contentment and happiness a must duo?

or can you be content without being happy?

I'm not quite sure what I think.

I think I know what my answer would be, but I'm not sure.

I don't think I want to be content without being happy, because I'm not sure that would really be, being content.

But if you really can be content without being happy, I still don't think I want to.

I would like to be happy in my contentment.

I would like to say that I'm content while feeling happy about it.

I would prefer to not just deal with being content and not being happy, because isn't that being complacent?

OYE!

Definitely too big of things to be pondering so early in the morning, I think!

So Much to Say and Update, but a MUST right now!

I have been struggling with change in my church family!

For awhile!

Some weekends are ok, but others are not so ok!

It's me!

I KNOW!!!

But my flesh has been pretty stubborn lately!

And of course, like in all things, I want to run away!

Maybe it's the fact that I know we aren't leaving College Station

anytime soon, so church is the one thing I can "leave" and still remain in this town.

I rationalize my thoughts about finding a new body.

I convince myself that I'm justified in my feelings!

But then a friend who loves me more to tell me the truth than to be afraid of my reaction speaks truth to me!

I know she is telling me the truth,

but dangit!

Either because of my current sin or my past

I ask God

please confirm this AGAIN!

I know, I know!!!

I'm hard headed!

stupid

stubborn

And whew!

He did!

Of course

He did!

Church isn't about me!

I know that!

It's not about my boys!

i....k..n..o..w....th...at.....?

My God, is big enough!

My God will capture their hearts in HIS TIMING!!!!

In HIS WAY!

HE WILL CAPTURE THEM!!!!

Not a church,

not a program,

not a person!

This may not make sense for the 2 or 3 of you who actually read this,

but I had to get it out of myself!

Still need to process!

ALWAYS! need to pray!

Every Sunday, need to be humble and ready for GOD!!!!

not the sermon...

not the music...

not the program...

not the friends...

BUT...

HIM!

It's ALWAYS ABOUT HIM!!!

Thank You, Jesus for reminding me of that this morning!

And thank You for whopping me upside the head!

and thank You for being so patient with this stupid, but wanting so much to be in Your Will, child!

I do love You so much!

Guard Your Heart!

Received an email from a family friend who spent time with their teenagers in family worship recently over this...

I thought it was good!

We started by opening up an online article about the Governor of South Carolina, and reading a few excerpts from the Governors illicit love letters. The Governor says: ...In all my life I have lived by a code of honor and at a variety of levels know I have crossed lines I would have never imagined. I wish I could wish it away, but this soul-mate feel I alluded too is real... We talked about what it means to have a code of honor, to cross lines, and to have a soul-mate. We talked about the Governor's wife and his children and what they must be feeling now.

We read an online comment from a reader:
Ceaser wrote on 06/26/2009 07:26:20 PM: Anyone who is dating or new in a relationship, or in this case having an affair, knows that person is new and exciting. It's easy to spew all this mush and gush when you are trying to pursue someone and wanting to impress them. You always want what you can't have, but believe me, if they were to be together, it would get old just like anything else. In these letters, they are in a bubble. They don't have to share a mortgage, raise kids and deal with day to day issues. The person represents freedom, excitement and no ties or boundaries. It's a fake and pretentious fantasy world that they convince themselves is real and will last forever and be perfect. He only thinks his wife isn't what he needs because they aren't in that "honeymoon phase" any longer. Well, in any established relationship, who is? Romance is necessary, but I'd rather be in a "real" relationship than a pretentious one.

We watched the video of the Governor's humiliating news conference. We listened to Steve Green sing Guard Your Heart, while the lyrics flashed on the screen. The teenagers asked a lot of questions.



Guard Your Heart by Steve Green
Oh, be careful little eyes what you see
Oh, be careful little eyes what you see
For the Father up above
Is looking down in love
Oh, be careful little eyes what you see

What appears to be harmless glance?
Can turn to romance
And homes are divided
Feelings that should never have been
Awakened within
Tearing the heart in two
Listen, I beg of you

Guard your Heart
Guard your Heart
Don’t trade it for treasure
Don’t give it away

Guard your Heart
Guard your Heart
As a payment for pleasure
It’s high price to pay

For a soul that remains sincere with conscience clear
Guard your Heart

The human heart is easily swayed
And often betrayed at the hand of emotion
You dare not leave the outcome to chance
You must choose in advance
Or live with the agony
Such needless tragedy

Guard your Heart
Guard your Heart
Don’t trade it for treasure
Don’t give it away

Guard your Heart
Guard your Heart
As a payment for pleasure
It’s high price to pay

Guard your Heart
Guard your Heart
Don’t trade it for treasure
Don’t give it away

Guard your Heart
Guard your Heart
As a payment for pleasure
It’s high price to pay

For a soul that remains sincere with conscience clear
Guard your Heart

For a soul that remains sincere with conscience clear
Guard your Heart

I am a Runner...just of Another Kind

A ton of my friends run.

Some are brand new to running.

Others have run a while.

And still others have run since college.

I HATE running!!!!

Could I run?

Yes, but I HATE running!

But tonight, I realized that I am a runner

Just not the typical runner that runs for exercise.

I like to flee.

Get away!

Live in denial!

Run!!!

My running is a coping mechanism that I have possessed for probably longer than I even realize.  It would be interesting to see if I could pinpoint when this began, but maybe I'll save that for a separate post!

Honestly, I sincerely thought that this habitual pattern was gone from my life!

But man oh man, it swept over me faster than you can blink your eye!

I want to run so bad it actually hurts!

I want to go far far away!

I think there are a few healthy situations in which running is a good thing to do....

when you are going to be hurt physically.... 

when you are in danger....

uh, hello run!

So what about when you may be hurt emotionally?

when you are in emotional danger?

is running from that ok then?

This may seem all over the place, but this is a post of processing, I s'pose.

So what happens when something comes up OUT OF THE BLUE!??  You didn't know it was going to happen, you couldn't plan for it, no way of knowing!  So what's the first thing I want to do....

RUN!!!!

My verse for this month could not be more appropriate.  That is exactly what I did this morning...  cried out to the Lord...in my anguish!

Realistically, I can't run away, no matter how great the urge is within me.  

And I must only run to Him!  Into His arms!

Even if I can't see how this ends up,

Even if I can't understand why this is happening,

No matter what I may be thinking, feeling,

The Lord is my helper!

I MUST TRUST HIM!!!!!

I MUST RUN TO HIM!!!!

(and I HAVE to repeat that OVER & OVER AGAIN!!!!!)

Things that Make You Go Hmmmm........

How is it that some days are like this...=>

and other days are like this...

<=

??????????????????????

Seriously!

What is it that really makes the difference?

My quiet time with God?

Yes, that is important!

My heart?

Also, very important!

What time my children went to bed the night before?

What time I went to bed the night before?

I believe all of those things and more affect my day.

But I really think I need to take notes of what specifically happens on "good" days.

Today was a "good" day.

Can't put my finger on 1 specific thing that made it a good one, but it makes me pray and hope tomorrow will be another one!

It did help that the weather was so beautiful!

Warm with a nice breeze - Spring!

It also helped that Kru and I could take an hour or so and go to the park and swing!

It also helped that I was very aware of being present in the moment!

I didn't spend as much time on the computer!

I spoke in a gentle yet firm (when needed) voice.

I sometimes like to ignore how much I affect my home, my husband, my children!  

But, if I'm wanting to be the woman God created me to be, I can NOT ignore that!

"Let the words of my mouth 

and the meditations of my heart 

be acceptable in Thy sight, 

O LORD, my Rock and my Redeemer."

Psalm 19:14

I must, need, have to be aware of what I am saying, thinking, meditating on!  And it MUST be the Lord and pleasing Him and being obedient to Him.

I am so selfish and get so caught up in making sure I'm taken care of!  That is sin!!!

So....

I must seek Jesus daily, hour to hour, moment to moment if need be, to be the woman He created me to be!  The woman that He put here in this place for this moment.  And to really there!  Awake!  Involved!

I never did post my scripture memory verse for the beginning of April, but it goes well with this post.

It was Proverbs 31:26

"When she speaks her words are wise, and kindness is the rule when she gives instruction."

Where to Begin???

Today was the first day of Bible study in a new semester!  All I can say is WOW!!!  Look out!!!  Beth Moore's newest study is this one!  She filled it last year and it became available for purchase in November '08.

From the moment the video begins, from intros and exits filled on location in Washington DC in front of the White House, this study it so pivotal & poignant "FOR SUCH A TIME AS THIS"!  She had no idea who was going to be inaugurated yesterday, or who the Secretary of State would be a year ago, and everything she said was so perfect for what is going on today.  Amazing!  God is perfect and so is His timing!

I can't wait to see what He is going to reveal to me through this study!  I believe with all my heart that there is big stuff ahead for me to learn and change!  I know that God has something important for me to learn about my destiny through this study!  I also know that God is going to do something new through this study too!

For a while now, I have been feeling not quite sure what God was doing.  The direction that He had last told me to go suddenly got blocked.  A little confused, but understanding that this was His thing, I assumed that He had something else for me to do instead.  Still don't know what that is, but I know I will when He is ready for me to know!

The times I remember feeling this way and being in this place have always resulted in major life changes, not like moving or even changing jobs (although that has happened once before), I'm talking about dealing with my stuff, freeing me, teaching me something new, showing Himself to me in a different way.

So....  I'm full of anxious anticipation, hope, in what God is going to reveal, teach, show, change, grow me!  I will try to write about it, but who knows now, we will have to wait and see!  So.... here we go, into the book of Esther, that doesn't use the name of God once, but as Beth said, "He is all over it, because it is His Word!"

The Lord's Supper

Last night at church, was the Lord's Supper.

I have grown very fond of this act.

The Lord has continued to teach

me more about this act.

It isn't something that we do

because it is tradition, in the Bible, 

or because I always have.

We do it to remember the blood sacrifice

that Christ, paid for us!

We do it to humble ourselves before

our Father!

We do it to remind us that ALL

of our sins, ALL, in the past and

the ones I will commit in the future,

ARE FORGIVEN!!!

It was good!

It's always needed!

And it is always emotional!

God is good!!!

God is amazing!!!

He saved a wretch like me!

Unbelievably merciful & loving!!!

Thank You, Jesus

Road to Recovery - Hurricane Ike

Here is a post that I did on my other blog, but thought it fitting to bring it over here as well. 

This was written originally on the 16th.  Little did I know that within 24 hours, our shelter would be shut down and my new friends gone.

And the road to recovery begins....

Our church has been a shelter since Friday at 5:00. We are an official Red Cross shelter and currently we have 151 people still at the church.

I have had the honor of serving at the church ALOT over the pass few days. The boys have come off and on with me as well. Dakota and Kye helped prepare for the evacuees by unloading cots and setting up bedding. Weekend services were canceled so that we could get ready.

I really have lost count of my days and can't remember what day exactly, but we went from 13 to 90 in 2 1/2 hours on Saturday and then from 90 -175 in another 2 hours.

I can not tell you how blessed I have been these past 5 days. I have met precious people who I will hold in my heart forever, played with sweet children, watched as a little girl's eyes came alive when she received a brand new jacket, and I could go on and on!!!

Our guests are far from home.

Many have lost everything.

Many don't know when they will get to go home

and what will be there when they arrive.

And yet...

they are so kind,

friendly,

appreciative,

amazing.

It has made me stop and look at me.....

would I be acting like this if I were in their shoes?

would I be friendly?

would I be able to smile?

would I be thankful or complaining?

I have been up at church ALOT like I said, and even now as I type this my eyes are swimming in tears, because I can't explain, but I feel compelled to be up at the church. I love our guests. I want to be there serving and helping ANY way I can!!

To hold Braylen!

To get some clothes for Maurice and Wanda.

To receive a bear hug from Christopher!

To hold a sweet Spanish speaking little girl who doesn't know where mama is.

Drive to The Med so Red Cross Randy knows where he is going.

To get to love on and hug these precious children of God.

To rejoice when 2 come to know the Lord at 3:00 AM.

I have been blessed.

Overcome with emotion.

Thankful for all that I have.

We are still days away from being done. Who knows right now when all of our guests can go home or to a shelter closer to home? But I'm honored and thankful to be apart of Living Hope and that I have been able to volunteer.