Silent Tears

A 12 year old!

Today is Rayin's birthday!  I sometimes think that I'll forget that it was this day back in 2000, and some years I don't forget, it is just easier.  This year however, I have remembered more than usual.  I think it's because I have been talking about her more often with friends, sharing her story more than I have in a while.  My 2 youngest have been telling their friends that they had a sister who died in mommy's tummy.

She is in a better place! And my  mom is with her, which makes it a little better, but it's my selfish side that wishes she was here with me. Going and getting pedicures together, hearing about boys, girl drama, doing her hair... I wonder what it would be like to have a little girl?!

I find silent tears falling on my cheeks this morning...

I find no questions of why...

Just silent tears

11 This Past Weekend

Rayin Wynter Ann Stephens

This past weekend, my daughter, Rayin, would have been 11.

It's hard for me to imagine an 11 year old daughter, seeing as I

have 3 boys, only 1 who has been 11.

I'd like to think that we would have gone and gotten

manis and pedis and maybe a coffee too! Went to

the mall and bought a new outfit plus accessories too!

Actually, I have no idea. Sometimes I think of it more than others.

This year was better than some, but of course I still thought of her.

It's funny....I think I'm the only one.

Well maybe funny isn't the right word.

Sad I guess.

Many people don't even know that

I should have a daughter.

It's really not a conversation piece that is brought up much

and definitely a downer to bring up.

I have grown much in these 11 years, but I still have

no answers!

Sometimes I believe that that is the hardest part of

Rayin's death...not knowing why.

But I don't dwell on this

or else I would go crazy!

Instead, I choose to believe and know that

God is good

God is love

He knows more than I do

He loves me

she is in a much better place

and I will see her again one day.

Until then, I want to remember her and

wonder what it would be like to have

an 11 year old daughter,

even if I'm the only one!

She Would Have Been 9

Rayin, my little girl, would have been 9

this Father's Day.

I don't know if I have ever blogged about her.

I should do it more often!

For some reason this year is

really hitting me and I'm

not sure why.

I suppose I don't have to have a real reason,

some years are just more difficult!

So I have been sad and moody today.

I called a girlfriend and cried

on her shoulder for a bit!

Someday, not today, I will write about

her and tell you the little there is to tell.

I'm just so ready for Heaven when I will

be able to see Rayin and my mom again!

But for now,

remembering my little girl,

Rayin Wynter Ann Stephens

6/18/00