Unfamiliar Territory

I haven't written on this blog in forever! Over a year!

There have been multiple times that I have wanted to, but just never followed through and set time aside to do it!

I have a feeling that I may start writing more often as my world will be changing in a major way in 2 weeks, 16 days to be exact!

I am in unfamiliar territory.

A newbie at where I find myself in this thing called life.

My eldest is leaving for college in 16 days.

I have been processing this concept this entire past year as we celebrated lasts at home and at school.

I have been emotional at times...more often than not.

But now as the days wind down I AM emotional, but also kind of lost.

I am trying to recall my last few days at home before I left for college, but seriously, that was over 20 years ago and I can't, much to my chagrin!!!!

I know that my mom would remember and I wish so bad that I could talk to her about it.

Did I distance myself from the family?
Did I act different?
Did I treat my family indifferent?
and much more!

I wanted these last few weeks to be happy and celebratory and to do the things that he liked and would miss. Cook food that he would miss, go places that he would miss, etc...

MUCH if not all of that is NOT happening!

Is that important?
What really matters?

How do I get through this season without going into a deep depression?

I AM so excited for Dakota's year ahead for him, the experiences that he will have, how he will grow, the places that he will travel to with his college team, people he will meet.

It has been enlightening to me how nature and the natural progression of things prepares us for this separation!  I remember it started with:

him pulling out of the driveway for the first time by himself...

then...

working and being out late...

dating...

With each new moment I have had to pull away,
give up control,
give up knowing where he is and who he is with all the time.

I know that I am prepared.
I know that I will be sad.
I know that this is the next step/stage of life.

But I wish I could talk to my mom because she knew me better than anyone and would know exactly how I feel...a mom...losing her son.

Wonder what she thought???

Today my breath was taken away...
not in a good way mind you,
but in a frightening,
scary,
fearful way.

2 years ago, I had an irregular mammogram.

I had to go in a 2nd time and they did a more diagnostic test and an ultrasound.

Everything came out ok, but still.

I didn't go back last year.

But it was time again.
At my annual exam, my doctor said that he felt something and he wanted to make sure that at the mammogram to really look at it.

Right then, I was like "ok."

But today at the actual long, uncomfortable test, I was more like, "not ok."

As I lay on the ultrasound table, I wondered about my mom.
I wondered if she had been aware of what was going on right before her life changed forever.
I wondered if she had been scared at her appointment.
I wondered if she had known how much her life and her children's lives were about to change.

You see I have a theory... (I'm quite certain that I hold to this in some futile attempt to "control" my life!)

When you are quite aware of the moment, of what is happening, of how things could change in an instant... that is when it will not change.

It is when you are not aware of how things could change in a flash, that things actually change in a flash.

So as I lay there, I thought to myself...
"Will I see Dakota graduate next year?"
"Is this the moment that the doctor comes in to tell me that I have breast cancer?"
"Has the day come that I have dreaded would come for years?"

I almost totally lost it.
I teared up.

BUT

the doctor came in and said,
"nothing looks abnormal."

Really???

I know it sounds bad, really I am thankful for the thoroughness, and caution...

BUT SERIOUSLY!!!!

My nerves are shot!
Twice in a row, is a bit much!
I'm wondering if this will turn into a yearly event???

I hope not!

Darrin had driven over.
I didn't know he was going to.
I only saw him after I was done.

He knows me so well.
Knew that I needed him, but of course I didn't ask for him to be there.
But he knew.
And he was there.
He didn't make a big deal of it.
But he was there.

I HATE that this will always be a part of my life.
Even though I had the genetics test and it says that I don't have the breast cancer gene,
this will always be a part of my life.

So tonight,
I'm thankful.
Emotional exhausted.
I'm grateful.
I'm tired.

Mother's Day Blues

Mother's Day is supposed to be a joy.
Some years it is,
but this year it was not.

I think a lot of it had to do with where
I am currently in just the daily stuff.

But for whatever reason, this year
I really missed my mom.

At church they showed a video of
different people saying wonderful
things about their mothers.

I almost lost it.
Had I been sitting alone, I would've.
It just sucks when you want to talk to
someone and you can't.
When you want to ask her opinion.
When you want to see if she ever felt
the way you feel.
When you want to share your hurt
with the 1 person who knew you and
understood you more than anyone.
When you need to make sure you aren't
going crazy!!

On Mother's Day, instead of feeling gratitude,
I usually feel guilt!
I am so NOT the mother that I thought I would be
nor the one that I want to be!

Kru's teacher had them write a book about their mom.  Each page said something about me.
What my mom looks like...

She has brown hair.

She has brown eyes.

She has a big smile.

Things I love about my mom...

She makes me breakfast.

She hugs me a lot.

She kisses me a lot.

What my mom likes to do...

She likes to teach.

She likes to read.

She likes to cook.

A diagram of me! :o/
And Interesting facts

She likes to worship God.

She likes our dog.

She likes her children.

She likes to relax.

Then on the back this is what he wrote about me.

"My mother is as pretty as a flower.  She like it when I am good.

She doesn't like it when I am angry.

My mother is 39 years old and she wears a size 10 shoe!

My mother's favorite food is salad. YUM, YUM!!!

My mother doesn't like to play.

My mother's favorite thing to do ALL BY HERSELF is to tan.

My mother likes to swim with me, I love my mother because she is so sweet!

My mother is special to me because she is kind."

So sweet!  But of course the only thing that I focused on was...

"My mother doesn't like to play."

It's true.

I don't like to play.

Why?

What is it about me that doesn't want to play with my children?

Have I always been like this?

When did I become this person that I am?

When did I stop looking at my children as gifts, but burdens?

Will I ever get out of this "funk" if that what it is?

Will I ever feel differently???

I'm glad that Mother's Day 2013 is over and I pray that Mother's Day 2014 finds me in a different state of mind and place of heart!!!!

20 years later....time flies

Yesterday was the anniversary of my mom's death.

20 years

later

Do you remember when you wanted to get older, go to college, get married, have babies, etc.. and your parents would say it will happen quicker than you think?  I remember not believing my mother when she would say that.

But now...

I say that to my kids all the time!  And I have learned that it is true.

Time Flies, even when you may not be having fun!!!

It is hard to wrap my mind around the fact that I have not had my mother for 20 years!!!!

That now, this year, I have been alive longer without her than with her!

July 4th quit being special to me in 1992.  I don't ignore it, but I don't particularly enjoy it or look forward to it at all.

Depending on the year, I could be sad, angry, blah, or ok.  This year I was in a bad mood.  But, thankfully, we still had friends over and they had kids, so my kids had fun!  We went to see fireworks and it was good.

But really, at times throughout the day and night, I just wanted to be with my family. People who had been with me when I was 19, 20 years ago.  Not that we would speak of it, or be extra sad because we were together, but because you can just be and they know.

My husband and children have no idea what July 4 is to me.

My brother, father and aunt do.

They each called me!

Just to see how I was.

Family

I hate not being able to see them but once a year!

Family

Where you can be yourself

Family

They know junk about you but still love you

Family

That which represents my mom

That's where I wanted to be yesterday...

Have Ya Ever???

Have there ever been days, weekends, moments where you want to run away?

Have there ever been pauses where you wonder...how did I get here, to this place?

Have there ever been times where you..(even though it makes you feel guilty) are ready to quit, give up?

I hope I'm not the only one out there, but at certain times, periods, or blinks of an eye I have felt this way.

I always hate feeling this way for many reasons, but the main nag is I would like to know if my mother ever felt this way.

Why?

Who knows? 

So I don't feel so bad.

So I would know I'm "normal."

So I .....

But I can't.

And I hate it.

Over the past 19 years, I have learned that it is very difficult to think poorly or negatively about my mom.  I believe one of the grief books that I attempted to read said that it is normal to idealize those who have died.  We make them "perfect".  Because of this, I can't imagine that my mom would have felt anything like the psychoticness that I feel on any given day!

That's that make me take a deep breath and sigh!

July 4, 19 Years Ago

19 years ago today

my mom died

I was 19.

Today,

I have lived exactly the

same amount of years

that I had my mom

as without my mom.

Surreal.

Bizarre.

Weird.

You would think that after 19 years,

I wouldn't miss her as much.

Well...

that is NOT the case.

I miss her ALL the time.

Some for the same reasons that I have missed her for 19 years.

But more and more I'm realizing

that as I get older,

I miss her in ways that I never knew I would.

What to do with a teenage son?

How the manage teaching & home stuff?

Getting grey hairs?

How did she cope at 38?

And the list grows...

For the past 2 years,

I have spent this day with my brother in California.

But not this year.

Being with him made this day WAY easier.

Not because we ignored it,

not because we denied it,

we were together.

We, who went through this junk together,

were together.

We understand,

we don't have to say anything

to know that we know.

So to say that July 4th is NOT my favorite holiday

would be an understatement.