First Day of School

Today was the first day of school for me....

and at 4:00 I got the sweetest text from Dakota asking me how my first day was!

How sweet was that?!?!

Of course I started crying!

Tomorrow I'm starting I project with my Senior class called the Soundtrack of Your Life. I'm going to ask them to think of 8 major life events. Then they will choose songs to correspond to those events and of course eventually write about them. I generally try to do any assignment I ask my students to do, so today I began my list of major life events. They are:

1.  Graduating High School
2.  Accident
3.  Mom Dying
4. Getting Married
5.  1st Baby - Dakota
6.  Losing Rayin
7.  Moving to Texas
8.  Dakota College

Now I'm working on the music! But as I was thinking about all of these events, it occurred to me how no one is ready for anything until it happens. No one is prepared.  Darrin and I are in unfamiliar territory right now, but we were on #s4-8! We are learning to tread water, paddle, swim, whatever you want to call it right now! Again. Just a different event!

I'm not particularly sure how well I'm doing at it this go around, but we are still "above water" for now! (knock on wood!)

Dakota not only texted me, but he texted his little brother Kye who started middle school today, to see how his day was too!  THAT IS A GOOD BIG BROTHER!

We are so proud of our oldest!

We miss him like crazy!

We are so excited for this season of his life to begin!

But we miss him like crazy and are trying to figure out how our daily life here works without him a part of it daily!

The First of Many Stabs in the Heart

Dakota's leaving for college and my going back to work all happened at the same time. So I have not had time to write about anything that all of that entails, which is a TON, but tonight I experienced a first! A stab in my heart.

My boy, who is "far" away is hurting and I can't do anything about it!

It is TEARING me up!

Thankfully we can text and I can tell him that I love him, believe in him, that I'm proud of him, but I am not there to hug him, love him, give him a smile.

I know him!

I know he is all in his head!

I know he is going to let this affect his whole college experience if he doesn't get a grip!

I'm praying that he can shake off a hard, difficult, day of collegiate level of practice!

That he can believe that he can play at this level!

That even though he had pneumonia this summer so was unable to reach the level of cardio that was expected of him that he will be able to play!


As a mama, I'm a mess!!!

How am I supposed to work this year?

How I am to remain focused?

I am so scattered!

Forgetful!

Emotional! - Well more emotional!

My stomach is in knots tonight because my boy is hurting and there is nothing I can do!

In a Nutshell

Dakota went and got his haircut today.  I took him somewhere nice, paid a little more, but it shows!

He went to a new stylist. It was a guy.

On the way home, Dakota told me that he liked him and really liked the cut. "He talked about his feelings."

"What do you mean?" I asked.

The stylist talked about how he felt about the Supreme Court ruling last month and more. He told Dakota about when he was 11, he went to a church and the pastor there was talking about how bi-racial marriage was wrong and in his mind, being from a bi-racial family, he took that to mean that he was wrong and he never went back to church and told Dakota, "I hate them all and have never been back."

When Dakota told me this and the more that I thought about it,

THAT sums up what is Wrong with Christianity.

You see...

Jesus did not make people feel wrong or like crap. He did NOT make people feel remorseful or guilty.

HE LOVED THEM! HE LOVED THE SINNER (which we ALL are btw)!!!

That's what the majority of "Christian" people can't do today.

They do not love the sinner!

THEY HATE THE SIN and they can't get passed it!

Instead of loving people and all of the sticky stuff that comes with said people...

we'll judge,

be proud,

not show compassion...

they do not LOVE!

And what is even worse, they will say they are doing things out of love. They probably actually believe it.

"We must save them from themselves!" How wrong this is. This is NOT what Jesus did!!! He loved people where they were at, in the mess they were in, how they were!!!!

Such a shame that "Christians" can not be more Christ like!

Unfamiliar Territory

I haven't written on this blog in forever! Over a year!

There have been multiple times that I have wanted to, but just never followed through and set time aside to do it!

I have a feeling that I may start writing more often as my world will be changing in a major way in 2 weeks, 16 days to be exact!

I am in unfamiliar territory.

A newbie at where I find myself in this thing called life.

My eldest is leaving for college in 16 days.

I have been processing this concept this entire past year as we celebrated lasts at home and at school.

I have been emotional at times...more often than not.

But now as the days wind down I AM emotional, but also kind of lost.

I am trying to recall my last few days at home before I left for college, but seriously, that was over 20 years ago and I can't, much to my chagrin!!!!

I know that my mom would remember and I wish so bad that I could talk to her about it.

Did I distance myself from the family?
Did I act different?
Did I treat my family indifferent?
and much more!

I wanted these last few weeks to be happy and celebratory and to do the things that he liked and would miss. Cook food that he would miss, go places that he would miss, etc...

MUCH if not all of that is NOT happening!

Is that important?
What really matters?

How do I get through this season without going into a deep depression?

I AM so excited for Dakota's year ahead for him, the experiences that he will have, how he will grow, the places that he will travel to with his college team, people he will meet.

It has been enlightening to me how nature and the natural progression of things prepares us for this separation!  I remember it started with:

him pulling out of the driveway for the first time by himself...

then...

working and being out late...

dating...

With each new moment I have had to pull away,
give up control,
give up knowing where he is and who he is with all the time.

I know that I am prepared.
I know that I will be sad.
I know that this is the next step/stage of life.

But I wish I could talk to my mom because she knew me better than anyone and would know exactly how I feel...a mom...losing her son.

Wonder what she thought???

Today my breath was taken away...
not in a good way mind you,
but in a frightening,
scary,
fearful way.

2 years ago, I had an irregular mammogram.

I had to go in a 2nd time and they did a more diagnostic test and an ultrasound.

Everything came out ok, but still.

I didn't go back last year.

But it was time again.
At my annual exam, my doctor said that he felt something and he wanted to make sure that at the mammogram to really look at it.

Right then, I was like "ok."

But today at the actual long, uncomfortable test, I was more like, "not ok."

As I lay on the ultrasound table, I wondered about my mom.
I wondered if she had been aware of what was going on right before her life changed forever.
I wondered if she had been scared at her appointment.
I wondered if she had known how much her life and her children's lives were about to change.

You see I have a theory... (I'm quite certain that I hold to this in some futile attempt to "control" my life!)

When you are quite aware of the moment, of what is happening, of how things could change in an instant... that is when it will not change.

It is when you are not aware of how things could change in a flash, that things actually change in a flash.

So as I lay there, I thought to myself...
"Will I see Dakota graduate next year?"
"Is this the moment that the doctor comes in to tell me that I have breast cancer?"
"Has the day come that I have dreaded would come for years?"

I almost totally lost it.
I teared up.

BUT

the doctor came in and said,
"nothing looks abnormal."

Really???

I know it sounds bad, really I am thankful for the thoroughness, and caution...

BUT SERIOUSLY!!!!

My nerves are shot!
Twice in a row, is a bit much!
I'm wondering if this will turn into a yearly event???

I hope not!

Darrin had driven over.
I didn't know he was going to.
I only saw him after I was done.

He knows me so well.
Knew that I needed him, but of course I didn't ask for him to be there.
But he knew.
And he was there.
He didn't make a big deal of it.
But he was there.

I HATE that this will always be a part of my life.
Even though I had the genetics test and it says that I don't have the breast cancer gene,
this will always be a part of my life.

So tonight,
I'm thankful.
Emotional exhausted.
I'm grateful.
I'm tired.

I HATE Death!

My granma died today. 

This is me with her in August.

We hoped she would hang on until Thanksgiving,

but we knew it was doubtful.

Granma was the last matriarch in my family.

Being that mom died when I was 19....

My Granma Hagen died 11 years ago...

Granma Furne was it.

I am thankful that I have many aunts still...

but "my" blood matriarchs are gone.

I am thankful that she is no longer in pain.

But, selfishly, Thanksgiving will never be the same.

Playing Ah Heck, Hearts or any card game won't be the same.

Being in Iowa, won't be the same.

This woman that I loved dearly, 

held my Iowa (dad's side) family together.

With her stubbornness, love, devotion to her family,

and always being there for her family, she loved us

like no one else can!

Granma,

You were so special to me and I miss you terribly already!

I love you!

"Friends"

It has been an interesting few days.  

I was under the impression that when I signed up for social media cites, that I could say whatever I want to. I could add photos, say my opinion, if I chose, complain everyday...if I wanted to.

I still believe this, but over the last several days, people, have tried to take that right away from me. At first I was pissed.  I retorted to a few comments, others I was flabbergasted over and have said nothing.

Sharing the scenario with several family members and friends, they too could not believe what had occurred. I'm still trying to decide how to respond, but in the meantime, I deactivated several of my social media cites and on others began blocking and unfollowing people.  On Facebook for instance I had 760+ friends.  

What???

Who really has that many friends and who has time to keep up with all of their junk. How can you say that you are friends? As I went through all 760 so "friends" I often said..."Who is this?" or "I haven't seen or spoken to this person in "x" years!" Why do I have so many on here?  I began unfriending people and got down to 87!!!! And then I deactivated it.

I need a break from social media!

But why those 87?

I thought about who are my friends? Who knows me, not even all of those 87, so before I reactivate my account I will unfriend probably at least 25 more.  Granted I left the majority of my family, and I have contacts for teaching, the theatre, etc... 

But how many know me?

How many won't judge my posts?

How many would know if I put up a picture that looked like I was doing a line of "coke" would know it was a joke?

How many offer comfort and support rather than judgmental and discouragement?

If I was honest only about 10. 15 at most!

How many do I really want to know about?  Keep up with their kiddos and what they are up too?

Probably about 10...or 15 at most!

What really qualifies someone as a friend? The dictionary says this...

friend  

/frend/

Noun

1. A person whom one knows, likes, and trusts.

2. A person whom one knows; an acquaintance.

3. A person with whom one is allied in a struggle or cause; a comrade.

4. One who supports, sympathizes with, or patronizes a group, cause, or movement

On a whole I would say that those 760+ people were some form of an acquaintance. But there were some that I seriously did not know!

If someone is really my friend they know me, supports me.

No where in that definition do I see anything about judging or condemning!  No where do I see that it says that in order to be a friend I have to live up to the other persons expectations. That if for some reason I do something or say something that I don't like I'm no longer their friend.

That is exactly what I have experienced this past week!!!

How old am I? . . . . . . . . . . . 16?????

NO, I'm 40!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm sorry if I don't do or say what you would like me to!
I'm sorry if how you thought I was I do something that contradicts that!

But I am free to be me!
I can do whatever I would like to do!
I do not have to answer to anyone but my God!

I do not answer to any human, rather they claim to be a friend or not!

I lived the majority of my life living for other people. Over half of my life I was worried what people would think or who they would tell or what they would say.  That my actions would jeopardize my job, my status, my character.

Jesus freed me of that too long ago!!! Thank you Jesus! 

So...
I guess I apologize if I offend you.
I guess I apologize if I upset you.
I guess I apologize if I give you cause to worry about me.

But really?

No I DON'T!

I am who I am!

If that does any of the above mentioned scenarios...

That's your problem!

Not mine!

From Complacency to Hopelessness

Last May, 2012, I wrote about complacency.

Over one year later, I feel as though that complacency has turned into hopelessness.

Is that the "normal"?

That if  you live in complacency too long it naturally turns into hopelessness???

I guess that would make sense.

I know that recent certain events, or the lack of certain events, has fueled this hopelessness...so not sure.

But all I know now is that this is where I am currently.

Makes me wonder one year from now where I will be???

Mother's Day Blues

Mother's Day is supposed to be a joy.
Some years it is,
but this year it was not.

I think a lot of it had to do with where
I am currently in just the daily stuff.

But for whatever reason, this year
I really missed my mom.

At church they showed a video of
different people saying wonderful
things about their mothers.

I almost lost it.
Had I been sitting alone, I would've.
It just sucks when you want to talk to
someone and you can't.
When you want to ask her opinion.
When you want to see if she ever felt
the way you feel.
When you want to share your hurt
with the 1 person who knew you and
understood you more than anyone.
When you need to make sure you aren't
going crazy!!

On Mother's Day, instead of feeling gratitude,
I usually feel guilt!
I am so NOT the mother that I thought I would be
nor the one that I want to be!

Kru's teacher had them write a book about their mom.  Each page said something about me.
What my mom looks like...

She has brown hair.

She has brown eyes.

She has a big smile.

Things I love about my mom...

She makes me breakfast.

She hugs me a lot.

She kisses me a lot.

What my mom likes to do...

She likes to teach.

She likes to read.

She likes to cook.

A diagram of me! :o/
And Interesting facts

She likes to worship God.

She likes our dog.

She likes her children.

She likes to relax.

Then on the back this is what he wrote about me.

"My mother is as pretty as a flower.  She like it when I am good.

She doesn't like it when I am angry.

My mother is 39 years old and she wears a size 10 shoe!

My mother's favorite food is salad. YUM, YUM!!!

My mother doesn't like to play.

My mother's favorite thing to do ALL BY HERSELF is to tan.

My mother likes to swim with me, I love my mother because she is so sweet!

My mother is special to me because she is kind."

So sweet!  But of course the only thing that I focused on was...

"My mother doesn't like to play."

It's true.

I don't like to play.

Why?

What is it about me that doesn't want to play with my children?

Have I always been like this?

When did I become this person that I am?

When did I stop looking at my children as gifts, but burdens?

Will I ever get out of this "funk" if that what it is?

Will I ever feel differently???

I'm glad that Mother's Day 2013 is over and I pray that Mother's Day 2014 finds me in a different state of mind and place of heart!!!!

Lost Identity

The more I thought today about being lost,
I wondered how much of this lost feeling is
a loss of identity.

Many titles have been given "given" to me in my 40 yrs.

daughter

child

sister

preacher's kid

student

smart mouth

friend

unhappy teenager

grader

girlfriend

singer

carousel attendant

hostess

best friend

camp staffer

motherless daughter

deli worker

office worker

fiance

student teacher

bride

wife

teacher

mother

child of God

children's pastor

worshiper

griever

mentor

Phew!

Just looking at the list makes me feel blessed...

and yet at this moment I don't really know what

my identity is at this moment.

Sure,

I still am most of those names to a certain extent,

but recently several of those titles have been removed.

And because of that, I'm not quite sure???

My head knows that I am blessed.

My head knows that I am loved.

My head knows that I am saved.

My head knows that I am surrounded.

These are verbs, not nouns...

I guess I'm realizing how much of my identity comes from verbs.

I'm not quite sure if that's right or wrong,

But, it's something that I'm understanding.

So when I no longer do the things that have given me identity...

my identity is gone, lost.

SO...

Lost

"I know you are lost...

But not that lost!!!!

You know your path,

you have just been scared for a while

with the dark woods that satan

had put beside your path!!...

You know it is that!

You will not let him win!!!

He is out to get us!

I love you!!!! 

You know what is right for...

U!!!

That is your light and path!!!"

(text message from my brother)

As I read this message late last night, I burst into tears.

Is that what I am? Lost?

About a year ago, I guess, I thought it was complacency.

But now???

Still complacent?

Why did I suddenly cry when I read that?

Is it because it is true?

Am I lost?

Do you have a job?

NO

Do you know what your purpose is currently?

NO

Do I know what I'm supposed to be doing?

NO

Have I attempted to solve it in multiple ways?
YES

Have I isolated myself from everyone?
YES

Can I fix myself?
NO

Have I tried?

YES 

Hmmmm...

Maybe I am lost?

...

...

Ugh! Dreading Thursday

Yes, I have dreaded this year and this day, Thursday, for quite a while now....I would say at least 5 years if not longer!

I know it's crazy to get so caught up with a number, but let me just tell ya....

not so crazy about this one!!!

I would say one of the major reasons I'm having difficulty with it is that I so thought when I was much younger that surely be 40 I would have my junk together, I would feel like I knew what what was and that.... well...I really don't know, but all I know now is that I thought I would feel and be a lot different than I am!

Please know that I completely understand that my life could be a WHOLE lot worse right now! But it is so different than I pictured it. Oh well!!! Whacha gonna do???

Thoughts on Labor Day

“When the lives and the rights of children are at stake, 

there must be no silent witnesses.”--Carol Bellamy

 P.O. Box 3005  l  Bryan, Texas 77805  l  214.673.6732

  

There’s an estimated 7,000 children who work in the Ghana fishing industry. Some of
these children are as young as 5 and 6 years old.  All of these children are slaves.

–Mercy Project

Today many in our country will take a day off from our jobs to celebrate the social and economic achievements of American workers.  No matter if we’re celebrating at home or at the beach, we’re entering into a tradition that has largely been shaped by Labor Unions - organizations that are dedicated to protecting workers’ interests and improving their wages, hours, and working conditions.  Today as we lounge around or hang out with friends and family, we’re not only celebrating hard work, we’re honoring fair, ethical working practices and the laws that prevent discrimination, abuse, and child labor in our country.  Without these laws in place (and enforced), the most vulnerable members of society suffer.  Who are the most vulnerable? Children. 

Today as we’re celebrating the systems in our own country that strive to prevent injustices like child trafficking and child labor, we’re mindful of the many child slaves around the world who are unprotected and the organizations, like Mercy Project, who are working to free them.

As a mother, it’s difficult for me to imagine my children working 14 hours a day, 7 days a week.  I’m unable to wrap my brain around the thought of my children engaged in long, hard days of physical labor, eating one meal a day, and then falling asleep at night on a dirt floor filled with other slave children.  Yet this is the daily reality for kids who have been trafficked into the fishing industry in Ghana, Africa.  As with much of Africa, there is a great deal of poverty in Ghana. Unfortunately, this leaves many mothers in an unimaginable position: sell their children to someone who can take better care of them or watch them starve to death. Most of the mothers are told their children will be given food, housing, and an education. Instead, the kids are often taken to Lake Volta where they become child slaves and their mothers never see them again.  Thankfully, Mercy Project is working to break the cycles of trafficking around Lake Volta by providing alternate, more efficient, sustainable, fishing methods for villagers – ultimately eliminating the need for child slaves.  Because of the work Mercy Project is doing in Ghana, the first group of children will be freed this month from Lake Volta.

We invite you to watch this moving, 10 minute documentary about the issues surrounding child labor and trafficking in Ghana and most importantly the hope Mercy Project is bringing to children and entire communities in Africa.  Mercy Project is the only NGO working on Lake Volta addressing the injustice of child labor and child trafficking at its root - by strengthening the Ghanaian economy and eliminating the structures that cause the demand for trafficked children.

Whether these ideas of child labor, child trafficking, and modern-day slavery are new to you or you’re aware of these injustices, but need to hear some good news every once in awhile, we invite you to become a part of what Mercy Project is doing in Ghana.  When Mercy Project frees their first group of children this month, we can all celebrate together.

Learn more and get involved by –

• Watching Mercy Project’s short documentary.

• Following Mercy Project on Facebook. https://www.facebook.com/mercyproject

• Connecting with Mercy Project via Twitter.  https://twitter.com/mercyproject

• Spending some time on Mercy Project’s website.  http://mercyproject.net/

• Sharing about Mercy Project’s work in Ghana with your friends. 

Although child trafficking, child labor, and the unstable economies that result in these injustices are a tragedy, we’re grateful for what Mercy Project is doing to protect the vulnerable and for allowing us to be a part of this story.   While we’re commemorating labor laws and ethical work in our own country today, we invite you to follow along on this journey with Mercy Project to protect and free children in Ghana.

NEW LIFE FOR CHILDREN

www.mercyproject.net

20 years later....time flies

Yesterday was the anniversary of my mom's death.

20 years

later

Do you remember when you wanted to get older, go to college, get married, have babies, etc.. and your parents would say it will happen quicker than you think?  I remember not believing my mother when she would say that.

But now...

I say that to my kids all the time!  And I have learned that it is true.

Time Flies, even when you may not be having fun!!!

It is hard to wrap my mind around the fact that I have not had my mother for 20 years!!!!

That now, this year, I have been alive longer without her than with her!

July 4th quit being special to me in 1992.  I don't ignore it, but I don't particularly enjoy it or look forward to it at all.

Depending on the year, I could be sad, angry, blah, or ok.  This year I was in a bad mood.  But, thankfully, we still had friends over and they had kids, so my kids had fun!  We went to see fireworks and it was good.

But really, at times throughout the day and night, I just wanted to be with my family. People who had been with me when I was 19, 20 years ago.  Not that we would speak of it, or be extra sad because we were together, but because you can just be and they know.

My husband and children have no idea what July 4 is to me.

My brother, father and aunt do.

They each called me!

Just to see how I was.

Family

I hate not being able to see them but once a year!

Family

Where you can be yourself

Family

They know junk about you but still love you

Family

That which represents my mom

That's where I wanted to be yesterday...

Silent Tears

A 12 year old!

Today is Rayin's birthday!  I sometimes think that I'll forget that it was this day back in 2000, and some years I don't forget, it is just easier.  This year however, I have remembered more than usual.  I think it's because I have been talking about her more often with friends, sharing her story more than I have in a while.  My 2 youngest have been telling their friends that they had a sister who died in mommy's tummy.

She is in a better place! And my  mom is with her, which makes it a little better, but it's my selfish side that wishes she was here with me. Going and getting pedicures together, hearing about boys, girl drama, doing her hair... I wonder what it would be like to have a little girl?!

I find silent tears falling on my cheeks this morning...

I find no questions of why...

Just silent tears

Complacency

Pretty sure that complacency and growing, learning and changing are oxymorons!

But...

this is where I am right now.

Much to me chagrin!

complacency...

just...

complacent...

Not Even Sure What the Title Should Be

Just like I have no idea what the title should be to this post, I really have no idea what to say, or really how to begin.

My dad informed me today that he has prostate cancer...the dreaded 'C' word.  Think it should be considered a four-letter word, personally.  I HATE that word.  I HATE the fear it can lay hold of you.  I HATE the oppression it brings you.  I HATE that awhile ago I thought that it could raise its nasty head in my personal life, thankfully it did not, but now it again has come into my circle and into my life.

My father is fine and calm and his usual technical self.  Apparently, it has been caught very early and that some level was not extremely high.  Supposedly, catching it at this stage, men don't die from this and that it is rare that it will spread.  With that said, I'm not quite sure what to say or feel.  I usually tend to go into "Furne" mode and deny, ignore or bury anything that I may be tempted to feel.  Psycho, I know!

So, 20 years after losing my mom, here comes this dirty, nasty word again.  Not sure how it would feel to not have parents anymore.  And it's also different this time with my kids.  It's not just dad but papa too. 

Weird.

Surreal.

Bizarre.

HATE.

For Girls!

2011 Christmas Card

Shiny Sparkly Ornaments Christmas

Turn family photos into personalized Christmas cards.

View the entire collection of cards.

Have Ya Ever???

Have there ever been days, weekends, moments where you want to run away?

Have there ever been pauses where you wonder...how did I get here, to this place?

Have there ever been times where you..(even though it makes you feel guilty) are ready to quit, give up?

I hope I'm not the only one out there, but at certain times, periods, or blinks of an eye I have felt this way.

I always hate feeling this way for many reasons, but the main nag is I would like to know if my mother ever felt this way.

Why?

Who knows? 

So I don't feel so bad.

So I would know I'm "normal."

So I .....

But I can't.

And I hate it.

Over the past 19 years, I have learned that it is very difficult to think poorly or negatively about my mom.  I believe one of the grief books that I attempted to read said that it is normal to idealize those who have died.  We make them "perfect".  Because of this, I can't imagine that my mom would have felt anything like the psychoticness that I feel on any given day!

That's that make me take a deep breath and sigh!