20 years later....time flies

Yesterday was the anniversary of my mom's death.

20 years

later

Do you remember when you wanted to get older, go to college, get married, have babies, etc.. and your parents would say it will happen quicker than you think?  I remember not believing my mother when she would say that.

But now...

I say that to my kids all the time!  And I have learned that it is true.

Time Flies, even when you may not be having fun!!!

It is hard to wrap my mind around the fact that I have not had my mother for 20 years!!!!

That now, this year, I have been alive longer without her than with her!

July 4th quit being special to me in 1992.  I don't ignore it, but I don't particularly enjoy it or look forward to it at all.

Depending on the year, I could be sad, angry, blah, or ok.  This year I was in a bad mood.  But, thankfully, we still had friends over and they had kids, so my kids had fun!  We went to see fireworks and it was good.

But really, at times throughout the day and night, I just wanted to be with my family. People who had been with me when I was 19, 20 years ago.  Not that we would speak of it, or be extra sad because we were together, but because you can just be and they know.

My husband and children have no idea what July 4 is to me.

My brother, father and aunt do.

They each called me!

Just to see how I was.

Family

I hate not being able to see them but once a year!

Family

Where you can be yourself

Family

They know junk about you but still love you

Family

That which represents my mom

That's where I wanted to be yesterday...

Silent Tears

A 12 year old!

Today is Rayin's birthday!  I sometimes think that I'll forget that it was this day back in 2000, and some years I don't forget, it is just easier.  This year however, I have remembered more than usual.  I think it's because I have been talking about her more often with friends, sharing her story more than I have in a while.  My 2 youngest have been telling their friends that they had a sister who died in mommy's tummy.

She is in a better place! And my  mom is with her, which makes it a little better, but it's my selfish side that wishes she was here with me. Going and getting pedicures together, hearing about boys, girl drama, doing her hair... I wonder what it would be like to have a little girl?!

I find silent tears falling on my cheeks this morning...

I find no questions of why...

Just silent tears

Complacency

Pretty sure that complacency and growing, learning and changing are oxymorons!

But...

this is where I am right now.

Much to me chagrin!

complacency...

just...

complacent...

Not Even Sure What the Title Should Be

Just like I have no idea what the title should be to this post, I really have no idea what to say, or really how to begin.

My dad informed me today that he has prostate cancer...the dreaded 'C' word.  Think it should be considered a four-letter word, personally.  I HATE that word.  I HATE the fear it can lay hold of you.  I HATE the oppression it brings you.  I HATE that awhile ago I thought that it could raise its nasty head in my personal life, thankfully it did not, but now it again has come into my circle and into my life.

My father is fine and calm and his usual technical self.  Apparently, it has been caught very early and that some level was not extremely high.  Supposedly, catching it at this stage, men don't die from this and that it is rare that it will spread.  With that said, I'm not quite sure what to say or feel.  I usually tend to go into "Furne" mode and deny, ignore or bury anything that I may be tempted to feel.  Psycho, I know!

So, 20 years after losing my mom, here comes this dirty, nasty word again.  Not sure how it would feel to not have parents anymore.  And it's also different this time with my kids.  It's not just dad but papa too. 

Weird.

Surreal.

Bizarre.

HATE.

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Have Ya Ever???

Have there ever been days, weekends, moments where you want to run away?

Have there ever been pauses where you wonder...how did I get here, to this place?

Have there ever been times where you..(even though it makes you feel guilty) are ready to quit, give up?

I hope I'm not the only one out there, but at certain times, periods, or blinks of an eye I have felt this way.

I always hate feeling this way for many reasons, but the main nag is I would like to know if my mother ever felt this way.

Why?

Who knows? 

So I don't feel so bad.

So I would know I'm "normal."

So I .....

But I can't.

And I hate it.

Over the past 19 years, I have learned that it is very difficult to think poorly or negatively about my mom.  I believe one of the grief books that I attempted to read said that it is normal to idealize those who have died.  We make them "perfect".  Because of this, I can't imagine that my mom would have felt anything like the psychoticness that I feel on any given day!

That's that make me take a deep breath and sigh!