From Complacency to Hopelessness

Last May, 2012, I wrote about complacency.

Over one year later, I feel as though that complacency has turned into hopelessness.

Is that the "normal"?

That if  you live in complacency too long it naturally turns into hopelessness???

I guess that would make sense.

I know that recent certain events, or the lack of certain events, has fueled this hopelessness...so not sure.

But all I know now is that this is where I am currently.

Makes me wonder one year from now where I will be???

Mother's Day Blues

Mother's Day is supposed to be a joy.
Some years it is,
but this year it was not.

I think a lot of it had to do with where
I am currently in just the daily stuff.

But for whatever reason, this year
I really missed my mom.

At church they showed a video of
different people saying wonderful
things about their mothers.

I almost lost it.
Had I been sitting alone, I would've.
It just sucks when you want to talk to
someone and you can't.
When you want to ask her opinion.
When you want to see if she ever felt
the way you feel.
When you want to share your hurt
with the 1 person who knew you and
understood you more than anyone.
When you need to make sure you aren't
going crazy!!

On Mother's Day, instead of feeling gratitude,
I usually feel guilt!
I am so NOT the mother that I thought I would be
nor the one that I want to be!

Kru's teacher had them write a book about their mom.  Each page said something about me.
What my mom looks like...

She has brown hair.

She has brown eyes.

She has a big smile.

Things I love about my mom...

She makes me breakfast.

She hugs me a lot.

She kisses me a lot.

What my mom likes to do...

She likes to teach.

She likes to read.

She likes to cook.

A diagram of me! :o/
And Interesting facts

She likes to worship God.

She likes our dog.

She likes her children.

She likes to relax.

Then on the back this is what he wrote about me.

"My mother is as pretty as a flower.  She like it when I am good.

She doesn't like it when I am angry.

My mother is 39 years old and she wears a size 10 shoe!

My mother's favorite food is salad. YUM, YUM!!!

My mother doesn't like to play.

My mother's favorite thing to do ALL BY HERSELF is to tan.

My mother likes to swim with me, I love my mother because she is so sweet!

My mother is special to me because she is kind."

So sweet!  But of course the only thing that I focused on was...

"My mother doesn't like to play."

It's true.

I don't like to play.

Why?

What is it about me that doesn't want to play with my children?

Have I always been like this?

When did I become this person that I am?

When did I stop looking at my children as gifts, but burdens?

Will I ever get out of this "funk" if that what it is?

Will I ever feel differently???

I'm glad that Mother's Day 2013 is over and I pray that Mother's Day 2014 finds me in a different state of mind and place of heart!!!!

Lost Identity

The more I thought today about being lost,
I wondered how much of this lost feeling is
a loss of identity.

Many titles have been given "given" to me in my 40 yrs.

daughter

child

sister

preacher's kid

student

smart mouth

friend

unhappy teenager

grader

girlfriend

singer

carousel attendant

hostess

best friend

camp staffer

motherless daughter

deli worker

office worker

fiance

student teacher

bride

wife

teacher

mother

child of God

children's pastor

worshiper

griever

mentor

Phew!

Just looking at the list makes me feel blessed...

and yet at this moment I don't really know what

my identity is at this moment.

Sure,

I still am most of those names to a certain extent,

but recently several of those titles have been removed.

And because of that, I'm not quite sure???

My head knows that I am blessed.

My head knows that I am loved.

My head knows that I am saved.

My head knows that I am surrounded.

These are verbs, not nouns...

I guess I'm realizing how much of my identity comes from verbs.

I'm not quite sure if that's right or wrong,

But, it's something that I'm understanding.

So when I no longer do the things that have given me identity...

my identity is gone, lost.

SO...

Lost

"I know you are lost...

But not that lost!!!!

You know your path,

you have just been scared for a while

with the dark woods that satan

had put beside your path!!...

You know it is that!

You will not let him win!!!

He is out to get us!

I love you!!!! 

You know what is right for...

U!!!

That is your light and path!!!"

(text message from my brother)

As I read this message late last night, I burst into tears.

Is that what I am? Lost?

About a year ago, I guess, I thought it was complacency.

But now???

Still complacent?

Why did I suddenly cry when I read that?

Is it because it is true?

Am I lost?

Do you have a job?

NO

Do you know what your purpose is currently?

NO

Do I know what I'm supposed to be doing?

NO

Have I attempted to solve it in multiple ways?
YES

Have I isolated myself from everyone?
YES

Can I fix myself?
NO

Have I tried?

YES 

Hmmmm...

Maybe I am lost?

...

...

Ugh! Dreading Thursday

Yes, I have dreaded this year and this day, Thursday, for quite a while now....I would say at least 5 years if not longer!

I know it's crazy to get so caught up with a number, but let me just tell ya....

not so crazy about this one!!!

I would say one of the major reasons I'm having difficulty with it is that I so thought when I was much younger that surely be 40 I would have my junk together, I would feel like I knew what what was and that.... well...I really don't know, but all I know now is that I thought I would feel and be a lot different than I am!

Please know that I completely understand that my life could be a WHOLE lot worse right now! But it is so different than I pictured it. Oh well!!! Whacha gonna do???

Thoughts on Labor Day

“When the lives and the rights of children are at stake, 

there must be no silent witnesses.”--Carol Bellamy

 P.O. Box 3005  l  Bryan, Texas 77805  l  214.673.6732

  

There’s an estimated 7,000 children who work in the Ghana fishing industry. Some of
these children are as young as 5 and 6 years old.  All of these children are slaves.

–Mercy Project

Today many in our country will take a day off from our jobs to celebrate the social and economic achievements of American workers.  No matter if we’re celebrating at home or at the beach, we’re entering into a tradition that has largely been shaped by Labor Unions - organizations that are dedicated to protecting workers’ interests and improving their wages, hours, and working conditions.  Today as we lounge around or hang out with friends and family, we’re not only celebrating hard work, we’re honoring fair, ethical working practices and the laws that prevent discrimination, abuse, and child labor in our country.  Without these laws in place (and enforced), the most vulnerable members of society suffer.  Who are the most vulnerable? Children. 

Today as we’re celebrating the systems in our own country that strive to prevent injustices like child trafficking and child labor, we’re mindful of the many child slaves around the world who are unprotected and the organizations, like Mercy Project, who are working to free them.

As a mother, it’s difficult for me to imagine my children working 14 hours a day, 7 days a week.  I’m unable to wrap my brain around the thought of my children engaged in long, hard days of physical labor, eating one meal a day, and then falling asleep at night on a dirt floor filled with other slave children.  Yet this is the daily reality for kids who have been trafficked into the fishing industry in Ghana, Africa.  As with much of Africa, there is a great deal of poverty in Ghana. Unfortunately, this leaves many mothers in an unimaginable position: sell their children to someone who can take better care of them or watch them starve to death. Most of the mothers are told their children will be given food, housing, and an education. Instead, the kids are often taken to Lake Volta where they become child slaves and their mothers never see them again.  Thankfully, Mercy Project is working to break the cycles of trafficking around Lake Volta by providing alternate, more efficient, sustainable, fishing methods for villagers – ultimately eliminating the need for child slaves.  Because of the work Mercy Project is doing in Ghana, the first group of children will be freed this month from Lake Volta.

We invite you to watch this moving, 10 minute documentary about the issues surrounding child labor and trafficking in Ghana and most importantly the hope Mercy Project is bringing to children and entire communities in Africa.  Mercy Project is the only NGO working on Lake Volta addressing the injustice of child labor and child trafficking at its root - by strengthening the Ghanaian economy and eliminating the structures that cause the demand for trafficked children.

Whether these ideas of child labor, child trafficking, and modern-day slavery are new to you or you’re aware of these injustices, but need to hear some good news every once in awhile, we invite you to become a part of what Mercy Project is doing in Ghana.  When Mercy Project frees their first group of children this month, we can all celebrate together.

Learn more and get involved by –

• Watching Mercy Project’s short documentary.

• Following Mercy Project on Facebook. https://www.facebook.com/mercyproject

• Connecting with Mercy Project via Twitter.  https://twitter.com/mercyproject

• Spending some time on Mercy Project’s website.  http://mercyproject.net/

• Sharing about Mercy Project’s work in Ghana with your friends. 

Although child trafficking, child labor, and the unstable economies that result in these injustices are a tragedy, we’re grateful for what Mercy Project is doing to protect the vulnerable and for allowing us to be a part of this story.   While we’re commemorating labor laws and ethical work in our own country today, we invite you to follow along on this journey with Mercy Project to protect and free children in Ghana.

NEW LIFE FOR CHILDREN

www.mercyproject.net

20 years later....time flies

Yesterday was the anniversary of my mom's death.

20 years

later

Do you remember when you wanted to get older, go to college, get married, have babies, etc.. and your parents would say it will happen quicker than you think?  I remember not believing my mother when she would say that.

But now...

I say that to my kids all the time!  And I have learned that it is true.

Time Flies, even when you may not be having fun!!!

It is hard to wrap my mind around the fact that I have not had my mother for 20 years!!!!

That now, this year, I have been alive longer without her than with her!

July 4th quit being special to me in 1992.  I don't ignore it, but I don't particularly enjoy it or look forward to it at all.

Depending on the year, I could be sad, angry, blah, or ok.  This year I was in a bad mood.  But, thankfully, we still had friends over and they had kids, so my kids had fun!  We went to see fireworks and it was good.

But really, at times throughout the day and night, I just wanted to be with my family. People who had been with me when I was 19, 20 years ago.  Not that we would speak of it, or be extra sad because we were together, but because you can just be and they know.

My husband and children have no idea what July 4 is to me.

My brother, father and aunt do.

They each called me!

Just to see how I was.

Family

I hate not being able to see them but once a year!

Family

Where you can be yourself

Family

They know junk about you but still love you

Family

That which represents my mom

That's where I wanted to be yesterday...