Friday, July 31, 2015

Unfamiliar Territory

I haven't written on this blog in forever! Over a year!

There have been multiple times that I have wanted to, but just never followed through and set time aside to do it!

I have a feeling that I may start writing more often as my world will be changing in a major way in 2 weeks, 16 days to be exact!

I am in unfamiliar territory.

A newbie at where I find myself in this thing called life.

My eldest is leaving for college in 16 days.

I have been processing this concept this entire past year as we celebrated lasts at home and at school.

I have been emotional at times...more often than not.

But now as the days wind down I AM emotional, but also kind of lost.

I am trying to recall my last few days at home before I left for college, but seriously, that was over 20 years ago and I can't, much to my chagrin!!!!

I know that my mom would remember and I wish so bad that I could talk to her about it.

Did I distance myself from the family?
Did I act different?
Did I treat my family indifferent?
and much more!

I wanted these last few weeks to be happy and celebratory and to do the things that he liked and would miss. Cook food that he would miss, go places that he would miss, etc...

MUCH if not all of that is NOT happening!

Is that important?
What really matters?

How do I get through this season without going into a deep depression?

I AM so excited for Dakota's year ahead for him, the experiences that he will have, how he will grow, the places that he will travel to with his college team, people he will meet.

It has been enlightening to me how nature and the natural progression of things prepares us for this separation!  I remember it started with:

him pulling out of the driveway for the first time by himself...


working and being out late...


With each new moment I have had to pull away,
give up control,
give up knowing where he is and who he is with all the time.

I know that I am prepared.
I know that I will be sad.
I know that this is the next step/stage of life.

But I wish I could talk to my mom because she knew me better than anyone and would know exactly how I feel...a mom...losing her son.