Monday, May 13, 2013

Mother's Day Blues

Mother's Day is supposed to be a joy.
Some years it is,
but this year it was not.

I think a lot of it had to do with where
I am currently in just the daily stuff.

But for whatever reason, this year
I really missed my mom.

At church they showed a video of
different people saying wonderful
things about their mothers.

I almost lost it.
Had I been sitting alone, I would've.
It just sucks when you want to talk to
someone and you can't.
When you want to ask her opinion.
When you want to see if she ever felt
the way you feel.
When you want to share your hurt
with the 1 person who knew you and
understood you more than anyone.
When you need to make sure you aren't
going crazy!!

On Mother's Day, instead of feeling gratitude,
I usually feel guilt!
I am so NOT the mother that I thought I would be
nor the one that I want to be!

Kru's teacher had them write a book about their mom.  Each page said something about me.
What my mom looks like...
She has brown hair.
She has brown eyes.
She has a big smile.
Things I love about my mom...
She makes me breakfast.
She hugs me a lot.
She kisses me a lot.
What my mom likes to do...
She likes to teach.
She likes to read.
She likes to cook.
A diagram of me! :o/
And Interesting facts
She likes to worship God.
She likes our dog.
She likes her children.
She likes to relax.

Then on the back this is what he wrote about me.
"My mother is as pretty as a flower.  She like it when I am good.
She doesn't like it when I am angry.
My mother is 39 years old and she wears a size 10 shoe!
My mother's favorite food is salad. YUM, YUM!!!
My mother doesn't like to play.
My mother's favorite thing to do ALL BY HERSELF is to tan.
My mother likes to swim with me, I love my mother because she is so sweet!
My mother is special to me because she is kind."

So sweet!  But of course the only thing that I focused on was...

"My mother doesn't like to play."

It's true.
I don't like to play.

What is it about me that doesn't want to play with my children?
Have I always been like this?
When did I become this person that I am?
When did I stop looking at my children as gifts, but burdens?
Will I ever get out of this "funk" if that what it is?
Will I ever feel differently???

I'm glad that Mother's Day 2013 is over and I pray that Mother's Day 2014 finds me in a different state of mind and place of heart!!!!

Monday, May 6, 2013

Lost Identity

The more I thought today about being lost,
I wondered how much of this lost feeling is
a loss of identity.

Many titles have been given "given" to me in my 40 yrs.
preacher's kid
smart mouth
unhappy teenager
carousel attendant
best friend
camp staffer
motherless daughter
deli worker
office worker
student teacher
child of God
children's pastor
Just looking at the list makes me feel blessed...
and yet at this moment I don't really know what
my identity is at this moment.

I still am most of those names to a certain extent,
but recently several of those titles have been removed.
And because of that, I'm not quite sure???

My head knows that I am blessed.
My head knows that I am loved.
My head knows that I am saved.
My head knows that I am surrounded.

These are verbs, not nouns...
I guess I'm realizing how much of my identity comes from verbs.
I'm not quite sure if that's right or wrong,
But, it's something that I'm understanding.

So when I no longer do the things that have given me identity...
my identity is gone, lost.


"I know you are lost...
But not that lost!!!!
You know your path,
you have just been scared for a while
with the dark woods that satan
had put beside your path!!...
You know it is that!
You will not let him win!!!
He is out to get us!
I love you!!!! 
You know what is right for...
That is your light and path!!!"
(text message from my brother)

As I read this message late last night, I burst into tears.
Is that what I am? Lost?
About a year ago, I guess, I thought it was complacency.
But now???
Still complacent?
Why did I suddenly cry when I read that?
Is it because it is true?
Am I lost?

Do you have a job?
Do you know what your purpose is currently?
Do I know what I'm supposed to be doing?
Have I attempted to solve it in multiple ways?
Have I isolated myself from everyone?
Can I fix myself?
Have I tried?
Maybe I am lost?