Wonder what she thought???

Today my breath was taken away...
not in a good way mind you,
but in a frightening,
scary,
fearful way.

2 years ago, I had an irregular mammogram.

I had to go in a 2nd time and they did a more diagnostic test and an ultrasound.

Everything came out ok, but still.

I didn't go back last year.

But it was time again.
At my annual exam, my doctor said that he felt something and he wanted to make sure that at the mammogram to really look at it.

Right then, I was like "ok."

But today at the actual long, uncomfortable test, I was more like, "not ok."

As I lay on the ultrasound table, I wondered about my mom.
I wondered if she had been aware of what was going on right before her life changed forever.
I wondered if she had been scared at her appointment.
I wondered if she had known how much her life and her children's lives were about to change.

You see I have a theory... (I'm quite certain that I hold to this in some futile attempt to "control" my life!)

When you are quite aware of the moment, of what is happening, of how things could change in an instant... that is when it will not change.

It is when you are not aware of how things could change in a flash, that things actually change in a flash.

So as I lay there, I thought to myself...
"Will I see Dakota graduate next year?"
"Is this the moment that the doctor comes in to tell me that I have breast cancer?"
"Has the day come that I have dreaded would come for years?"

I almost totally lost it.
I teared up.

BUT

the doctor came in and said,
"nothing looks abnormal."

Really???

I know it sounds bad, really I am thankful for the thoroughness, and caution...

BUT SERIOUSLY!!!!

My nerves are shot!
Twice in a row, is a bit much!
I'm wondering if this will turn into a yearly event???

I hope not!

Darrin had driven over.
I didn't know he was going to.
I only saw him after I was done.

He knows me so well.
Knew that I needed him, but of course I didn't ask for him to be there.
But he knew.
And he was there.
He didn't make a big deal of it.
But he was there.

I HATE that this will always be a part of my life.
Even though I had the genetics test and it says that I don't have the breast cancer gene,
this will always be a part of my life.

So tonight,
I'm thankful.
Emotional exhausted.
I'm grateful.
I'm tired.