I HATE Death!

My granma died today. 

This is me with her in August.

We hoped she would hang on until Thanksgiving,

but we knew it was doubtful.

Granma was the last matriarch in my family.

Being that mom died when I was 19....

My Granma Hagen died 11 years ago...

Granma Furne was it.

I am thankful that I have many aunts still...

but "my" blood matriarchs are gone.

I am thankful that she is no longer in pain.

But, selfishly, Thanksgiving will never be the same.

Playing Ah Heck, Hearts or any card game won't be the same.

Being in Iowa, won't be the same.

This woman that I loved dearly, 

held my Iowa (dad's side) family together.

With her stubbornness, love, devotion to her family,

and always being there for her family, she loved us

like no one else can!

Granma,

You were so special to me and I miss you terribly already!

I love you!

"Friends"

It has been an interesting few days.  

I was under the impression that when I signed up for social media cites, that I could say whatever I want to. I could add photos, say my opinion, if I chose, complain everyday...if I wanted to.

I still believe this, but over the last several days, people, have tried to take that right away from me. At first I was pissed.  I retorted to a few comments, others I was flabbergasted over and have said nothing.

Sharing the scenario with several family members and friends, they too could not believe what had occurred. I'm still trying to decide how to respond, but in the meantime, I deactivated several of my social media cites and on others began blocking and unfollowing people.  On Facebook for instance I had 760+ friends.  

What???

Who really has that many friends and who has time to keep up with all of their junk. How can you say that you are friends? As I went through all 760 so "friends" I often said..."Who is this?" or "I haven't seen or spoken to this person in "x" years!" Why do I have so many on here?  I began unfriending people and got down to 87!!!! And then I deactivated it.

I need a break from social media!

But why those 87?

I thought about who are my friends? Who knows me, not even all of those 87, so before I reactivate my account I will unfriend probably at least 25 more.  Granted I left the majority of my family, and I have contacts for teaching, the theatre, etc... 

But how many know me?

How many won't judge my posts?

How many would know if I put up a picture that looked like I was doing a line of "coke" would know it was a joke?

How many offer comfort and support rather than judgmental and discouragement?

If I was honest only about 10. 15 at most!

How many do I really want to know about?  Keep up with their kiddos and what they are up too?

Probably about 10...or 15 at most!

What really qualifies someone as a friend? The dictionary says this...

friend  

/frend/

Noun

1. A person whom one knows, likes, and trusts.

2. A person whom one knows; an acquaintance.

3. A person with whom one is allied in a struggle or cause; a comrade.

4. One who supports, sympathizes with, or patronizes a group, cause, or movement

On a whole I would say that those 760+ people were some form of an acquaintance. But there were some that I seriously did not know!

If someone is really my friend they know me, supports me.

No where in that definition do I see anything about judging or condemning!  No where do I see that it says that in order to be a friend I have to live up to the other persons expectations. That if for some reason I do something or say something that I don't like I'm no longer their friend.

That is exactly what I have experienced this past week!!!

How old am I? . . . . . . . . . . . 16?????

NO, I'm 40!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm sorry if I don't do or say what you would like me to!
I'm sorry if how you thought I was I do something that contradicts that!

But I am free to be me!
I can do whatever I would like to do!
I do not have to answer to anyone but my God!

I do not answer to any human, rather they claim to be a friend or not!

I lived the majority of my life living for other people. Over half of my life I was worried what people would think or who they would tell or what they would say.  That my actions would jeopardize my job, my status, my character.

Jesus freed me of that too long ago!!! Thank you Jesus! 

So...
I guess I apologize if I offend you.
I guess I apologize if I upset you.
I guess I apologize if I give you cause to worry about me.

But really?

No I DON'T!

I am who I am!

If that does any of the above mentioned scenarios...

That's your problem!

Not mine!

From Complacency to Hopelessness

Last May, 2012, I wrote about complacency.

Over one year later, I feel as though that complacency has turned into hopelessness.

Is that the "normal"?

That if  you live in complacency too long it naturally turns into hopelessness???

I guess that would make sense.

I know that recent certain events, or the lack of certain events, has fueled this hopelessness...so not sure.

But all I know now is that this is where I am currently.

Makes me wonder one year from now where I will be???

Mother's Day Blues

Mother's Day is supposed to be a joy.
Some years it is,
but this year it was not.

I think a lot of it had to do with where
I am currently in just the daily stuff.

But for whatever reason, this year
I really missed my mom.

At church they showed a video of
different people saying wonderful
things about their mothers.

I almost lost it.
Had I been sitting alone, I would've.
It just sucks when you want to talk to
someone and you can't.
When you want to ask her opinion.
When you want to see if she ever felt
the way you feel.
When you want to share your hurt
with the 1 person who knew you and
understood you more than anyone.
When you need to make sure you aren't
going crazy!!

On Mother's Day, instead of feeling gratitude,
I usually feel guilt!
I am so NOT the mother that I thought I would be
nor the one that I want to be!

Kru's teacher had them write a book about their mom.  Each page said something about me.
What my mom looks like...

She has brown hair.

She has brown eyes.

She has a big smile.

Things I love about my mom...

She makes me breakfast.

She hugs me a lot.

She kisses me a lot.

What my mom likes to do...

She likes to teach.

She likes to read.

She likes to cook.

A diagram of me! :o/
And Interesting facts

She likes to worship God.

She likes our dog.

She likes her children.

She likes to relax.

Then on the back this is what he wrote about me.

"My mother is as pretty as a flower.  She like it when I am good.

She doesn't like it when I am angry.

My mother is 39 years old and she wears a size 10 shoe!

My mother's favorite food is salad. YUM, YUM!!!

My mother doesn't like to play.

My mother's favorite thing to do ALL BY HERSELF is to tan.

My mother likes to swim with me, I love my mother because she is so sweet!

My mother is special to me because she is kind."

So sweet!  But of course the only thing that I focused on was...

"My mother doesn't like to play."

It's true.

I don't like to play.

Why?

What is it about me that doesn't want to play with my children?

Have I always been like this?

When did I become this person that I am?

When did I stop looking at my children as gifts, but burdens?

Will I ever get out of this "funk" if that what it is?

Will I ever feel differently???

I'm glad that Mother's Day 2013 is over and I pray that Mother's Day 2014 finds me in a different state of mind and place of heart!!!!

Lost Identity

The more I thought today about being lost,
I wondered how much of this lost feeling is
a loss of identity.

Many titles have been given "given" to me in my 40 yrs.

daughter

child

sister

preacher's kid

student

smart mouth

friend

unhappy teenager

grader

girlfriend

singer

carousel attendant

hostess

best friend

camp staffer

motherless daughter

deli worker

office worker

fiance

student teacher

bride

wife

teacher

mother

child of God

children's pastor

worshiper

griever

mentor

Phew!

Just looking at the list makes me feel blessed...

and yet at this moment I don't really know what

my identity is at this moment.

Sure,

I still am most of those names to a certain extent,

but recently several of those titles have been removed.

And because of that, I'm not quite sure???

My head knows that I am blessed.

My head knows that I am loved.

My head knows that I am saved.

My head knows that I am surrounded.

These are verbs, not nouns...

I guess I'm realizing how much of my identity comes from verbs.

I'm not quite sure if that's right or wrong,

But, it's something that I'm understanding.

So when I no longer do the things that have given me identity...

my identity is gone, lost.

SO...

Lost

"I know you are lost...

But not that lost!!!!

You know your path,

you have just been scared for a while

with the dark woods that satan

had put beside your path!!...

You know it is that!

You will not let him win!!!

He is out to get us!

I love you!!!! 

You know what is right for...

U!!!

That is your light and path!!!"

(text message from my brother)

As I read this message late last night, I burst into tears.

Is that what I am? Lost?

About a year ago, I guess, I thought it was complacency.

But now???

Still complacent?

Why did I suddenly cry when I read that?

Is it because it is true?

Am I lost?

Do you have a job?

NO

Do you know what your purpose is currently?

NO

Do I know what I'm supposed to be doing?

NO

Have I attempted to solve it in multiple ways?
YES

Have I isolated myself from everyone?
YES

Can I fix myself?
NO

Have I tried?

YES 

Hmmmm...

Maybe I am lost?

...

...

Ugh! Dreading Thursday

Yes, I have dreaded this year and this day, Thursday, for quite a while now....I would say at least 5 years if not longer!

I know it's crazy to get so caught up with a number, but let me just tell ya....

not so crazy about this one!!!

I would say one of the major reasons I'm having difficulty with it is that I so thought when I was much younger that surely be 40 I would have my junk together, I would feel like I knew what what was and that.... well...I really don't know, but all I know now is that I thought I would feel and be a lot different than I am!

Please know that I completely understand that my life could be a WHOLE lot worse right now! But it is so different than I pictured it. Oh well!!! Whacha gonna do???