Thursday, June 23, 2011

Things that Make You Stop and Think

Yesterday, I had a bizarre and surreal experience. I went in for my annual mammogram on Tuesday. It had been 2 years since my last, but they always had been fine. As I left, the tech said, "the doctor will look at these this afternoon and if he sees anything that looks suspicious we'll call, if not we'll send a letter."

At 4:50 on Tuesday evening they called. I didn't get the message until later, but they said to call in the morning. So yesterday morning I called and they said that there was a spot on the left side that the doctor wanted to get some more pictures of and an ultrasound. I scheduled the appointment and went in yesterday at 3:00.

Needless to say I didn't sleep very well Tuesday night and yesterday tried not to think about it.

I am great at denial and pretending that I'm fine and that I wasn't thinking about it. But the truth is I was thinking about it even as I pretended I wasn't! Oy! I realized I had been stressed about it because after 3:00 and after I found out everything was fine, I was exhausted! I hadn't done much the entire day, but the let down or the relief of things being ok, I realized I had been very tense.

Thankfully what they thought was a mass from the mammogram did NOT show up on the more detailed pictures and the ultrasound. As my dad said, "Hallelujah!"

But having this scenario come up in front of me, it made me stop and think....

"What will I do?"
"How will I handle treatment?"
"How did mom deal with this as her children were still 'young'?"
"What had she really gone through?"
"Will it kill me like it did mom?"
"How did mom take the news as she sat across the table from the doctor?"

If truth be told, every birthday that I have I get closer to the age she was when she was first diagnosed and eventually 18 months later died. Mom was 43 when it all began for her and 18 months later at 45 she died. I turn 39 in February. I feel it more every year. Not necessarily fear, but just a sense of where she was in her life when it changed so dramatically and forever!

I'm thankful that as of right now I'm ok! I still wonder if that is going to be something that becomes part of my story, but I guess we'll cross that bridge if we have to and it isn't right now, thank you Jesus!

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